As the horse approaches

The last December post didn’t really happen. I kind of tried to copy one of my past post entries from over 3 years ago and thought I would get away with it. Eventually I decided not to cheat. The past month has been a little bit tough involving a small array of deadly sins such as envy, sloth and gluttony, and personally, the inability to focus and unload my mind and chest. There is a lack of order in my head that simply needs the combination of music and writing in order for me to think clearly.

Everything that could not wait exposed itself in dreams, and I’ve been scratching myself so hard until I bled.

I have no ears for news or instructions, not to mention for myself, as I cannot focus! I don’t remember the last time I’ve thought creatively. Having called the most important people in England and Germany, I came to realize where I really was and what I was doing. Entirely certain of the present, I know it’s the right thing, except that my head is kind of clogged; there is a lot of pressure and I’m so tired.

Very often I miss Goldsmiths library; the fact that they’d forgotten to delete my computer account and even as an alumni, I was able to log in. So every Saturday I used to spend up to 6 hours there, wasting time in a productive way. I didn’t feel lonely, because I was able to communicate what was important to me back then. This is how my friends know me, though I am not too sure what’s really been happening in the last couple of month, except that I’ve not been able to express myself appropriately There were way too many flashbacks coherent to what I am doing now. Despite being unpleasant, it’s obvious that I need to tackle them and let go of what’s over. If only I could place my emotions correctly, though. And I’ve always thought my EQ was somewhat higher. I’m not too sure anymore. Right now there is an inability to comprehend, as if I’ve blocked everything off…and I am not even doing it deliberately. This probably doesn’t make sense, but I am simply not in the mood to even try. There is no point in trying, just doing.

All the loads are so heavy leaving everything that I express meaningless. My lack of encouragement is not cheering up my friends, neither guiding them towards the right path, leaving me unable to call them to speak some sense, because I don’t know what makes sense anymore.

I think too much.

The horse won’t be nice to me. My mum warned me again about the year of the horse. Next Chinese New Year falls on January 31 (John Lydon’s birthday). She says that rats need to be careful not to get injured, because there will be risk of bleeding. She’s going to ask my sister to send me further details.

Well, I’ve done my own research online. Apparently I need to carry a lot of water, as the horse will be the carrier of fire and it’s going to be very strong next year and I’m only small. What big change am I going to make?

Argh! I have this feeling that superstition one day will kill me and that #4 might be more than just a bad omen. Right at this point I still have the strength to fight back, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m wholly irritated and angry, wishing I had a copy of either American Psycho or In The Miso Soup providing me some healthy channels of release. I don’t know why reading about disgust and ruthless killers calm me down so often. On the contrary, I would freak out if I were killing anyone in my dreams. Nevertheless, I do not go over the top in my own writing, I just like reading other people’s pieces of transgressive fiction – the more unreliable the first person narrator, the better. You are given the opportunity to lie or re-establish a truth that in real life is not as clear as you hope for it to be. Anything semi-autobiographical provides one with opportunities that are only available in one’s imagination. I could never explain to anyone how significant fiction is and I do not intend to. Tomorrow I will have forgotten what I have just written anyway.

I have a love & hate relationship with the horse. I never thought it was beautiful, but I’ve kind of changed my mind. Still, I wouldn’t want to touch it, as it might set me on fire. And yet I wonder whether the rat will ever be able to make friends with his opposing zodiac or will the stars always keep them apart. No one really knows, but I trust my heart most of the time and it says no to the horse. It wants me under its hooves, like he had the snake. (But I think he is secretly in love with the snake. )

Next year will not be peaceful. Watch my tail. Stroke my head every now and then. Play with me when I’m bored. Warn me when I’m in danger. Help me steer clear of the deadly sins. Other than that I shall always be prepared to stand on my own and not depend on anyone.

I think I am quite easy to handle?

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