Dallas

Half-dead crickets keep appearing from out of nowhere in my motel room. I found a squashed one under my sink (, must have stepped on it) and I found a couple of legless ones, too – still alive. Damn the housekeeper’s vacuum cleaner.

I’ve seen grasshoppers, but don’t think I’ve seen any crickets in real life before, plus, I’ve never shared a room with so many. This morning I fed them to the birds that were loitering around outside. There must be something deadly in this room that triggers blackouts. They hardly move – every now and then their antennas would give a little signal or you poke them. What signal is there to receive, though? I hear no chirp.

This has got to be the most random thing that will always remind me of Dallas.

I’m at the end of my holiday, but honestly, I’m not sure if that’s what I really needed. Never mind, let’s just say yes.

 

It’s wrong to believe that you have holes to fill, mysteries to solve or distances to travel. Despite knowing your problem and how to solve it, you just have no idea how to make it happen, because firstly there are other crucial things to be done resulting in lack of time and lack of space to practice your own personal work – stimulate that particular creativity that has always defined you. Nonetheless, there will always be important things that need tackling first. Having been on holiday, I must say, I hardly did anything that was important to me (i.e. intensive writing, reading). Most of the time I was feeling blank; I wasn’t half as creative as I used to be. I travelled by plane, train, motor coach, van, boat and car, which always filled me with a sense of escapism. The exhaustion is different from the one triggered by stress while working. I get up early naturally. The only thing out of order is my diet. No car means there’s no convenient way to go to Walmart to buy fresh food. No fully equipped kitchen means there is no opportunity to cook anything healthy.

 

Travelling is fun – if on your own you get to decide what you want to do and when. You’re mainly focused on the things to do in order to make the trip worthwhile. So I did.  But I can’t help it, if very place has felt the same; it’s a place and it does not necessarily inspire you or distract you in any way.  If I feel most at ease in the library I shall just go there and it makes no difference which one it is and where.

 

Still conflicted between two worlds – one that helps me identify myself, whereas in the other world I have to play despite my lack of interest.

Actually not much has changed – my point of view has not changed, my concentration still lacks depth and clarity.  On the other hand I engaged in solitary pastimes, lived up my independence and I fed my crickets to the hungry birds.

 

I still feel the same.

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