Citizen

 

You can fall in and out of love with a country, I guess. And I have fallen out of love with Canada. This country is not as welcoming as it says it is.

And what keeps me here is nothing but boyfriend and the gym. Surely I don’t want to stay here for good, but it’s handy to have an option at least.

In this very moment I simply feel dead inside. It might be because I have not been listening to enough good music. Back home I would have my music on from noon till after midnight. Or it might be because the future is too many steps ahead of me and I cannot reach that far, yet. This always gives me a sense of insecurity, but usually I won’t let things get to this point. But I guess I’m not on my own right now and it takes more time for two. I may sound selfish, but I am not used to this. First of all we try to invest more time in being a couple, but secondly, unpardonably we succumb to procrastination, which, to us (him mainly) is a form of relaxation and in that time hardly anything important gets done. There are forms to fill out, send out, documents to obtain, etc.

When you waste time you’ll notice that there is no clear picture of the future. This almost reflects our minds, because we don’t know what to do and what will happen. And I’m not good at pushing him, either, in order to get things going. But filling out these forms is still better than simply dreaming away, right? Or we can just wait till March, till it’s all over and go on holiday with no plan afterwards. I’m pretty much determined about Australia for a year. I won’t have to stay for a whole year in case something else comes up. Important is that I am moving. Tough is only that I need to get my goddamn book in gear, too. Seven years of process is too long. Every author would’ve dropped it and started on something new. My problem is that I am stupid. Stupid enough to realize that there is a potential in that story that I want to show to people. Anyway, I am clumsy with words, which is why I need hours sometimes to write a single paragraph. I’m only just getting back into reading more so the English language won’t slip. I wouldn’t admit to anyone that my German has slipped a lot in the last few years. Not that I have ever been eloquent in German, but I used to be better. However, I have handed my heart over to the English language and this is where I will focus.

It seems like all I’m doing is moving from one English speaking country to the next. I haven’t even called my mum yet about the potential “future plans”.  I think she would be very disappointed, because she could see me settling down in Canada. Well, only now the country is beginning to welcome less and less immigrants, so what can you do? I’m not going to rip my arse off for a country that doubts me and wants so much assurance that I am qualified applicant.

Or maybe I should go back to a EU country, where I feel safer and more welcomed. Shall just drag my boyfriend along and work something out so he can stay, too. So much to being citizen of the world.

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