Outnumbered

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Now thinking about it, it must’ve been like dropping out of the school of life after the kindergarten period or early learning. I’m 32, in a place where I don’t know what to do with myself, how to not adapt to what everyone else does and moreover, learn to focus – on me. Over a year ago I’d spent almost ten days living like a female monk that sincerely had nothing to say to anyone, neither do I have anything to say now, except for humming my favourite songs to myself, looking for meaning and good stories to feed my imagination. And I often wonder what if I was living the life of a female monk. I’m not missing out on anything, apart from good stories and good music. I don’t like what they like, but at least I am tolerant enough to take part in it, share my presence with it and smile at it for two seconds. It almost feels like a favour without one in return. And that doesn’t feel right. Perhaps I am trying to hard. I do stop when it gets too much. I dig a hole and bury my head, hoping that a perfect storyline will save my day or even a philosopher’s quote or last words. I never understood people that cannot be alone. Whenever I feel something similar to loneliness, all I need is a text message, or an email to remind myself that I am not alone. But you don’t get in touch with friends just because you’re sad or alone. I’ve been guilty of it lately. I haven’t spoken to them when I was happy, I haven’t been sharing happiness with them, but only thought of them when I was sad. I’ve been finding it hard to breathe and when I close my eyes I see red and a dark red line. For a while it looks like the horizon, and sometimes it looks like a huge wave coming at me, so I open my eyes and I lose my focus. Broken sleep, headache, earache and hair loss (again) and if anything – my seborrhoeic eczema is getting worse. So much scab on my scalp. Can’t stop picking at them. And then there’s blood underneath my fingernails. I don’t want to use hydrocortisone if I can help it. I’m usually good at keeping my skin’s conditions under control, but not at the moment. Other people have it worse, though. Weight gain is common, too, when you’re stressed and having an office job doesn’t help. Despite everything I’d say this job is a good office job – small company, small team. It’s just that we’re all new and the learning process takes months. But I have no eye for detail to keep errors out. The lack of concentration and lack of knowledge are a big issue here. I’ve not been sleeping, but I’ve been dozing for the last two days. Surprised that I function at work, which has become my second favourite place after the gym. I do overtime for free. But apparently my boss is paying me for some. I just have an aversion against the music played there – repetitive bullshit with poor lyrics and appalling radio presenters supporting musicians that can’t sing or write songs.

If there is anything I have in common with the people around me, it is that deep down inside I am nocturnal, too, but I’d use the night to be creative and not drunk. But the work routine turns the nocturne into an early bird. Even before I started working I had an early start in the day – I went to the morning classes at the gym and felt terrific. I like starting the day with good, motivating energy, whereas going to the gym after work feels more like a de-stress session more than anything. But nonetheless, it keeps me sane and makes feel that I’ve contributed to something positive for my mind and body and I will continue to do so every day no matter what anybody says. Apparently I’m still dark and negative, which I will not understand. I’m just trying to save me, before I save anybody else. And saving yourself is not easy.

I am not lazy and never have been. I admire those, who are, though. They are never in a hurry. And they’re having more of a good time than me. A good time for me would be to go hiking for example, but it seems so difficult. But I believe I should invest the money on transport and just do it. Others complain of being broke, but would spend all the money they have on goddamn booze. I shall spend all the money I have on a goddamn ride to the mountains, I suppose.

I must be the only one looking forward to winter. Why? Simply because it keeps all these damn fuckers inside, that’s all. I would love to see the autumn out east, though. Just to remind myself that when a period comes to an end it isn’t an end, but a chance to make things better for the future. Let go of the past and think of new ideas to bloom for the next year. But in terms of seasons people don’t think like that. And that’s how I’m different and this is how I am lonely. But that’s ok.

Hopefully I’ll have a new tattoo by the end of the year and the release of my novel. These are good reasons to live.

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