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A banana pancake cheers me up.

It feels like I am close to a panic attack or something. I’ve absorbed a lot of negative energy from someone who really needed to let it out. But there is nothing that you can do to facilitate their anguish, hate and resentment. Back in the past I used to hold grudges, too, mainly because they gave me something to write about, literally. It wasn’t until years later when I realised that holding on to pain is nothing but stupid and the writing turned out to be full of self-pity. But I’m past that age.

I’ve made a lot of changes since then. I’ve been working on my own happiness and I can’t wait to return to Canada and continue with that, because it is not possible in Germany. Things are sad here no matter what you saw in my social media. I only happened to bookmark the happy moments. Who wants to see or read about the sad ones, right?

In fact, I haven’t really had a day off to myself, so I am nowhere near rested and time has gone pretty fast. My book’s not ready to be published, either. I haven’t watched my series, not to mention the new Twin Peaks. I have no time.

I don’t remember the last time my dermatitis was so bad. All this mixed with post-pill acne and general allergies. It’s getting better now, but my face was burning.

My old habits of sleeping in till late & going to bed late kicked in as well. Home makes me deadly sluggish. And I can’t keep up with my workout, although my wrist feels better. There are a lot of things I want to go into details about, but I am not going to. This will have to wait until the first draft of my memoir. I currently feel like I’m unable to feel ‘hope’. There are people whose mental state is unchangeable. No matter how constructive and positive you’re trying to be – they shrug you off, because they are unable to believe. How deeply hurt and angry must they be?! It’s like trying to break down a brick wall with your bare hands.

I’m also making a huge effort to meet as many friends as I can, because I care, but there is no way I can fit four coffees in a day and I am sorry. I also feel like I need to crawl into a hole for a while and recharge.

Things will be finalised and executed in June. No excuses. I will tell you about the e-book, I promise.

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