Comfort in Chris’ voice

Life is to look cool on a bicycle on stage

I don’t know about you, but usually I am only able to cope with one failure a day, not two. In the last few hours I’ve been looking for excuses to make myself feel better.

It started off at work when I realised that I am not cut out for accounting, but at least I was able to figure out my errors, but the errors were 4-6 months old, so I can’t fix them on my own. But do I really want to do a course and invest my valuable time into it only to find out that I want to change job within a year’s time? Accounting is not my background, no, but it doesn’t have to be, I only needed a good eye for detail and focus and the errors wouldn’t have occurred. A little too late.

This evening I took a climbing class to improve my technique only to find out tonight that my technique was non-existent. It was my first climb in over two weeks and I was unable to plan my routes, unable to crush the brick wall in my mind. Every move felt wrong, every position was uncomfortable. Two hours later I was in pieces.

 

I haven’t even been back for a week and all I’ve been doing is throw myself back into my old routine, thinking that it will be fine. I had no rest at home, neither mentally nor physically. I’ve wanted to cry for weeks, but can’t. And then my horoscope pointed out high stress levels and lack of sleep for today. The stars know. I’m just not paying attention. I last meditated two months ago, I think. I have no space in my head for anything – everything wants attention and all I want is to switch off or focus on my alter ego instead, and stories that can go on paper. How else am I supposed to remove inexplicable emotions or interpret unsettling dreams about being trapped in the mall? The lifts aren’t working so I have to climb up the walls. The doors won’t open – do I look for keys or use a hammer? I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep my hopes up like this.

I feel like I am close to something, but at the same time I feel far away. It must be two different things that I feel. In a case like this wouldn’t you focus on what’s close and make the best out of it, make it come true? Not let anything come in between. Not let anything come in between.

Make meaning – as best as you can, for as long as you can. Otherwise…

Focus. Fullstop.

But there is sadness in his voice. It doesn’t sound like it’s going away.

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