About me

 

Shall I welcome you or not; it is up to you really. I don’t really care.

The name is P-chan or Miss Deckard: 30s, somehow born in Schleswig-Holstein/Germany and a graduate from Goldsmiths – University of London. My favourite writers are Charles Bukowski, Bret Easton Ellis and Oscar Wilde. My religion is French philosophy. I don’t believe in God, and yet, I am agnostic. I’m no Buddhist, either, but I believe in Gotama as a person, who has found illumination. I respect him and believe in his meditation techniques. I believe in karma, because I always feel strong connections to snails, which I save from pathways. One night I stepped on one and cried. If you ask me what I am, I would say  ‘individualist’ or ‘absurdist’. I can be misogynistic thanks to my paediatrician and my mates’ jealous girlfriends. (You will see that in my novel.) You either trust me fully or you don’t.  I am sociable but not always outgoing. I never take sides and prefer to keep quiet when I have nothing to say. I disagree with a lot things – but it doesn’t mean I tell everyone, only if I care enough – often I don’t. If you manage to get me talk 3-6 hours straight, then you have found a place in my heart. I’m not good with groups and I hate being in crowds due to a mild social anxiety disorder. Most of the time I feel agonizingly lonely inside my head and nobody knows. My favourite band is Nine Inch Nails. Favourite singers and songwriters are Tom Waits and Nick Cave – minor keys rule my world. My heroes are John Lydon (who taught me individuality), Trent Reznor (who helped me with anger management) and Charles Bukowski (who, like Lydon, taught me the values of honesty and endurance). I tend to treat people the way they deserve to be treated. I believe that the only good that exists is the good will.

I’d like to think that I have no secrets at all, as I tell too much about myself and yet people think I’m concealing something. So here I am, revealing my tainted writing – from personal stuff to work-based documents. Writing is about exposure. There’s nothing I wouldn’t admit – just ask. Writing helps me to reduce the madness inside my head, but it always seems to return and ask for more. I don’t sincerely enjoy writing; I have no choice. Just keep rolling the boulder up the hill, right? I do self-therapy, because I don’t trust anyone else with me, or let’s say I try not to be anyone’s burden.


So, yeah, “Terrible Lies”:

There is no proof whether what I write is undoubtedly true or not. You won’t know and sometimes I don’t know what I’m ranting about – the words just come out like that. There is hardly any truth in what we say, hear or see anyway. I have given up searching. And before I end up drowning in nihilism, I decided to stay as truthful as possible for my own sake and create meaning and purpose with my imagination and perception. In other words: I believe that solipsism can unite us. Only in terms of knowing that we exist and that we know ourselves best. If you don’t know who you are, I don’t know how to help you. I’m afraid that I won’t ever really know you, either.

Telling the truth means to me a lot. The more the truth hurts, the more you need to say it. I think that is the only truth that prevails upon us. (Though, please don’t break your mother’s heart.) So why not use this opportunity to be offensive? John Lydon says ‘the truth is the most offensive thing in the world’. You don’t upset people by doing so, you are helping them by challenging them. Seriously, how boring would you be otherwise?

You can lie as much as you want when you create a story that helps to reflect: Writing lies that are able to reveal the truth about you and anyone that you love and despise.

It’s escapism, as Graham Greene would say. And, at the same time you’re not escaping from yourself, you are, in fact, facing your (dark) inner faculties in your writing. If you can’t do it, then what are you doing?

 

http://twitter.com/human_junk

http://www.gold.ac.uk/goldfish/archive/goldfish2011/novelexcerpts/paulacheung

http://www.youtube.com/user/msselfdestruct84