My left arm is numb

Do you have friends that complain about you not getting in touch, but they see you active on social media? You are honest with them and tell them how stressed you are with work, life and family, etc. However, what they don’t know is that you have no concentration or focus left to relax and chill out. What happens is, you numb out and start going on social media because most of the time it, doesn’t require you to think. Smart people would do crosswords and keep the brain working, but I don’t. I really just want a bullet through my head sometimes, and that’s what social media does. There is more hope in a cigarette. I can’t just spare a minute or even one hour to writing or reading. I need two weeks to get into the realm of my creativity. I’ve tested it before. It’s the same as having a wound – it won’t heal within a day. I hate to say that it’s the same with writing and reading. Work, stress and other unhappy factors constitute to you losing your mind. It takes time to recover. If you are sick with a cold, you need time to recover. It’s just like that…but not many people understand. Everything is just spinning fast, and I’m doing my best not to throw up. Did I say there was a solar eclipse today or yesterday? This used to interest me…just like concerts used to interest me. And all the things that I do now, such as taking responsibility, work hard make me think what a selfish person I really am on the inside. I view many things as time-sensitive. I no longer know how to seize the day. I believe that I’m merely patient by working hard towards something better. I don’t know how long this patience is going to last because unhappiness is catching up. In the meantime, I remain sane through music and working out. I’m sick of repeating myself all the time. There’s nothing to write home about anymore. What am I still...

Oxenberger

Walking carrion is what I used to say, quoting Cioran. This is what a hopeless pessimist like him would describe a human being. I’ve done my best to shift my focus and attitude from that in the last decade, so let’s phrase it a little bit differently altogether: ‘Bite your way through this and think of the good stuff yet to come.’ I’ve always had hope – it’s something I need to get out of bed every day. There hasn’t been an instance where I wouldn’t get out of bed. No, I’m not happy, and neither are the people around me or the people that I love. I don’t know what to do except for staying strong myself. I’m not good at talking sense into people, even when they need it the most. Therefore, I feel useless most of the time. They believe what they want to believe. And you can’t change people. Unless you give me a story to write, I could create some sense. It’s the only time I’m clear-headed enough, as I’m given the chance to be imaginative and be my own God. It’s my way to remain sane, and I’m sure another million people out there feel this way. Today is the solar eclipse in Cancer, and we’re supposed to cultivate empathy. But how do you empathise if you don’t have empathy for yourself because you’re mentally so absent? Friends from high school used to judge me for continually feeling sorry for myself, and I don’t blame them. I could’ve done better in channelling my emotions. That’s what you get for being an overemotional Cancer with Saturnian energies. What were you supposed to know as a lost teenager anyway? – Learn, grow. Unfortunately, in the process of it, you numb out a lot. You don’t entirely show how much you care because it did you no good in the past. Observe, but remain objective and reserved. Either that or whatever it is that you feel is now so outdated, you already know the consequence. It’s a cliché – a past lesson already learned. It’s just that everyone has to go down that road, and it feels good to leave it behind as soon as you can. Empathy, however, is about others. Not everyone lets you change him or her, even though you love them the most. It doesn’t matter if you just want to help. Everyone I love the most is so broken. All I’m doing is making sure I’m still standing upright, focus on the things that I can do, or have to do....

Motherhood

The majority of millennials have more important things to do than settle down with kids. I can’t say I know everything about motherhood, but I’ve learnt and witnessed enough to say that I will pass on it. Many other components constitute to my decision: mental health, financial situation, the fear of responsibility and incapability. You might say that fear is a result of cowardice, which is fine. Just give me the chance to tell you the whole story first. I love my mother, more than anything else in the world. Throughout my life, she had always stood by me and ignored all the terrible things that I said and did to her (especially when I was younger). Somehow my sister and I have become the purpose of her life. Back in the late 70s and early 80s, my mum felt lost in Hong Kong. She had quite a terrible break-up after seven years of seeing that person. And when she got to know my dad, it was kind of a miracle. She emigrated to Germany for him to start a new life. It’s funny to note that she doesn’t like children. Nonetheless, she taught at a kindergarten in Hong Kong. I believe that when she accepted my dad’s proposal and moved to Germany, she still didn’t like children, and then, she was pregnant with me when she was twenty-six. What do millennials do at this age nowadays? You will probably meet a lot of them who have finished college and decided to go travelling. Or, they didn’t bother going to college yet. Instead, they work, save money and go see the world first. This trip usually determines what they choose for their future. Back in the days, people didn’t have this option, not to mention the mindset for opportunities, unless they get married before thirty and have kids. Why would they do that? Because they considered it as normal? Because marriage and reproduction are a part of the Bible? But then again, if you look closely at your parents’ lives and the choices that they made, do you see how secure they are? You can’t judge them for what they chose, because they are financially ok, have a home and a life, and they did their best to raise you. What is going to happen to those who chose not to settle down early? Can you say that they have lived and seen more than their parents? This is tricky, because of the different perceptions between parents and their children. Their children are millennials, who choose to experience the...

Died a little

Jordan Peterson’s second rule for life reminds me a little bit of Immanuel Kant’s theory of the goodwill, except that Peterson expresses it with more compassion and takes it from a different perspective. Kant’s moral theory teaches us that there is nothing good within humanity except for the goodwill. Generally, there is no good or bad in this world – the world is merely natural. There is only the survival instinct. We are the only species that try to define good and bad by acting it. The only way to show good, according to Kant, is to treat others how we wish to be treated. Though in Peterson’s eyes, we should treat ourselves like people for whom we’re responsible. I see a strong connection between these two statements. They actually made me realise that I’ve been doing my best to live my life according to Peterson’s principles the most. And to be honest, you have to prioritise yourself in a way that you take care of your physical and mental health.  By doing that, you’re responsible for your well-being, and as long as you are content with yourself, you may start treating others the way you wish to be treated. I don’t know how to call this, if not a Buddhist principle. You can’t refer any of this to Christianity or other, because religion has triggered conflicts and wars. (Note: I don’t view Buddhism as religion.) But this is not what I want to discuss. I want to talk about selfishness. I don’t know about others, but I am very prone to a guilty conscience, mostly in situations where I shouldn’t feel guilty. I know what is right for me and I apply that to my life as much as I can. Knowing myself well, I only take so much responsibility that I can handle, and I am honest about it. If I don’t have a full grip on existing obligations, I won’t just mindlessly add another responsibility to my life. But this situation becomes debatable if a component of the evident responsibility requires an addition. Anyway, is it fair if you accuse me of being selfish? I currently don’t feel like I have a good grip over my life, and I think I need help and time to fix it. The motivation that I have is nowhere close to a year ago when it was all about self-publishing my book and make meaning of the ten years that I’d spent on it. Although very proud of the accomplishment I don’t agree that I’ve done enough. In other words,...

Five

It’s supposed to be a warm spring day, but I don’t feel it yet on the side of my office. There is also not much for me to do since my boss is taking forever to give me feedback on the Expression of Interest that I’ve been working on to help the company apply for funding. There is only so much that I can do. I’ve also been trying to help the new accountant who has trouble tracking the previous accountant’s footsteps, because, while working here, she didn’t set up a good system for anyone new to jump straight in. She was Chinese. I guess Chinese people just like things complicated or have things structured and organized their way. I’ve witnessed that many times before. Anyway, I am not at all knowledgeable enough to help out with accounting. I was just googling the map of China, because I wanted to see where exactly my dad was born. Hong-Chow showed me the very east of China, south of Shanghai. My mum is full-on Hong Kongese, my dad migrated there when he was younger, but I’d like to say that both my parents are from Hong Kong. I think I feel some sort of a pride along with them. People from Hong Kong don’t usually like to be compared to people from mainland China. It’s like Hong Kong gives them privilege, because of the British colony. It’s the same with Cantonese, which, I personally find sounds much better than Mandarin. The origin of Cantonese is not 100% known. Apparently, there are not enough historical records, except that it leads back to the Tang Dynasty. People like to call it a dialect, but it’s, in fact, a language. If it was a dialect (which literally means: ‘words used’), then I would understand Mandarin perfectly, but I don’t, except that every now and then I spot a word that sounds the same. But the tone and structure are different. I remember when my mum sent me to a Chinese School in Hamburg to learn Mandarin along with writing Chinese. During that time, she befriended a lady (whose kids I also made friends with) who advised her to find me hobbies, or leisure activities outside school, saying that it would be good for me to socialize and discover things that I might like. In hindsight, I do appreciate it, but I wasn’t made for Chinese school, piano lessons, or tennis, therefore, I didn’t last six months at either activity. These activities helped me a little bit on the socializing front, but I was no...

The fear of the ageing mind

Springtime has always been kind of daunting, but I am starting to understand what Hemingway used to see in it. You should always look forward to a new beginning and leave the past behind you. Having said that, I must admit that today I’m doing the complete opposite. I’m consumed by nostalgia in a very soothing and pleasant way. I remember feeling productive and at peace in London, probably because there were no commitments to make me feel guilty and never did I realise that I was, in fact, a very selfish person. Other people reflect you – that is true, but the people engagement used to always be for a short amount of time. I was never able to handle more than a little. I am now though and I’m not happy with the self-discovery that I’ve made. Do people still choose what they think they deserve? What do you think you really deserve? One scary thing about growing mentally and emotionally is that, at first, it doesn’t feel like you’ve grown in any way, but your new perception indicates all the learning for you. But with each new perception I feel like a part of me has died sometimes, as though I’ve lost touch with my imagination. It only comes back gradually when I write to the music that gives me enough warmth to be present. With autumn being my favourite I’ve always had the chance to simply dwell and reflect during it and I get ideas for writing. Things are coming to an end, and yet they need time for digestion. Another reason why I love it is that people start to get sick and stay inside, and I’m the only one out, or at least it seems so. Spring is more about spring cleaning and getting ready to launch. It’s a reminder to get started. Like the new book I’m supposed to be...