Insentience (Mixtape)

  How do antiheroes feel? Who are they trying to be, or who to they think they are? Some blend in, some do not, cannot. I sense a lot of hidden pain – pain that will crumble into insentient particles, as though it never existed.               Here’s a YouTube mixtape: Queens of the Stone Age – “The Vampire of Time and Memory” Jimmy Eat World – “Disintegration” Stone Sour “Bother” Nine Inch Nails – “And all that could have been” Darkest Hour – “Pathos” Depeche Mode – “Clean” Gregory and the Hawk – “A Century is all we need” Joy Divison- “New Dawn fades” Yann Tiersen – “Summer 78” Nine Inch Nails –...

The man lying by the pool

The fitness class was disrupted by the sound of the fire alarm this morning. I’ve never heard it at the gym before. I expected some form of evacuation, but it turned out that it wasn’t a fire. A man was receiving CPR in the pool area and all staff members had gathered there; an ambulance had just arrived, too. We had to discontinue the class, as we couldn’t put the music back on. Not just that, our instructor, who’d seen the man on the ground, came back to us in tears, but at the same time she was trying her best to keep us motivated, saying that we’d all be back on Wednesday morning to kick-ass. She’s by far the happiest Canadian girl I’ve ever met and seeing her like that made me believe that she’s a genuinely empathetic human-being, strong and full of life. I admire people like that because they’re all what I’m not. I have to constantly remind myself where I am and that what I’m doing is worth pursuing. Extreme real-life situations seem to numb me up right away, though. It makes me wonder whether I am able to feel strong connections to people. Very often a delayed kind of emotion would kick in eventually. However, I find that I empathise with fictional characters in books more, because throughout reading I pretend that I am them or I simply relate to who they are and their actions. It’s easier and more comprehensive. That is because you understand yourself the best, but not necessarily what the writer is trying to bring across. That’s the beauty of empathy and understanding. There is only one’s own perception to go by (the scary reality of solipsism). And everything happens to make more sense on a fictional degree. Empathy is mostly about feeling other people’s sentiments, understanding them. But you won’t ever be able to feel anything as close as what they feel. Nowadays the only reason why I write is to feel. Many years ago I wrote to channel my emotions and troubled head. Now most emotion has escaped and all there’s left is a troubled absurdist’s head, numb and trapped, just trying to make meaning. Throughout the day I couldn’t stop thinking of that man lying by the pool. I did not see him, but I saw the sentiment that my gym instructor had on her face. And yet I’d rather picture him myself. He was probably having a morning swim before going home for breakfast and then that unexpected incident happened. It could’ve happened in the water...

To do List (for the rest of 2017 and all of 2018)

Urgently think of a new title for my book. I used to be good at titling stories, why not now?! Once sorted with art work, chase the press and publish that goddamn thing before the end of this year Buy Glühwein ingredients Make sure all major projects and decisions are done and made before Mercury Retrograde begins on December 3 Call mum more often Catch up on solitary pastimes (i.e. READ more GOOD fiction) Read more at open-mic nights Incorporate at least twenty-minute mediation every day Write an article or essay and add to writing portfolio (suggestions on the theme are welcome!) Keep up with my fitness goals to become leaner and stronger Save money for driving lessons, become a member of Car2Go Camp with friends, hike with friends, dance with friends, have more fun with friends Climb more in the Spring and Summer Job applications and get myself a remote job Feel less guilty about anything Spend more time with family and support them whenever possible Visit a place that has pure Autumn season Re-visit Alaska or go further north in Canada to see the northern lights in the middle of Winter Just save money Set up Bitcoin Make macadamia (non-dairy) cheesecake like the one Nicole made Learn how to sit down and just do nothing for at least five minutes Learn how to be more direct with people Start a new project so I don’t run out of meanings to make Have a plan of buying my own apartment Visit California See Nine Inch Nails more Maintain the life of a plant or plant one myself (i.e. grow my own basil) Be a better friend to people Not make a list like this...

The present (vs. memory)

It’s no good hinging on memories. Sure it’s the only think you ever knew. Have you noticed that the only time you ever think of the past is when you’re unhappy? Why are you unhappy? Everyone learns (eventually) that the present counts the most. Whatever went wrong in the past is done with; there is no going back at all. You let an opportunity slip without pursuing it – this is it. You look through the corner window and see something that you could’ve influenced, so what? Is it really worth it in the long run? You shape your destiny, because the choice is yours, but making the right choice is the trick. The outside is never what it seems. To most people it’s simply easier to believe what they see, and it’s probably not what you see. What do you see? Everyone’s perception is so different. You love sunshine and so do they, but they don’t love it the same way as you. Even though people don’t change, you may one day see a new light in them and they will see a new one in you. Your sense of reality will always be opposed to something that’s not yours. The more you’re aware of it the lonelier you will feel. So don’t think about it. You will encounter a lot of people that are too scared to share their souls – they blow cigarette smoke into a bubble and not talk about it. They’ll either open up or they won’t. Don’t waste your time trying to crack their shells. It’s their game after all. Remember when she said that our heart dies when we grow older? This is the soul flight of the adolescent and adulthood. We learn and learn, and we wear out. But that’s the whole point. Time heals all wounds, but life comes with extra layers of complications, so what do you do? Do you keep learning your lessons as you go or do you go to sleep? Time and memory don’t mix well – it’s almost like a state of paralysis with no capacity of action. Don’t go there. Don’t tie yourself in knots. Just walk and leave behind footprints and maybe someone will follow. There will eventually be an exit. Keep taking action; keep your feet on the ground, because memories don’t have feet and therefore you cannot rely on them. Walk some more, take the longer way to cross the street if you must. Drive for longer. Have a strong perception on your surroundings; see through your own eyes and then...

Jaded

Got Soul Asylum’s biggest hit on repeat while attempting to focus. The song’s chord progression somehow touches the right spot in my chest, and I feel like I have to pay attention to it before bed. It’s merely half past seven and my eyes are heavy; I think I’ve had about thirty hours of sleep in the last five days and it will catch up on me tomorrow. It does every weekend. Recently I enjoy spreading myself thin. But job is not part of the enjoyment. I’m a nice person (at least I think I am), but the constant desire to tell customers to f*ck off doesn’t just make me a bad employee, but also a bad person. So what happens is that I feel guilty for my thoughts and actions. This is not good for me or anyone else around me. What can I say, there are people that are not made to work. Not that way. This summer ended with a greater sense of determination and freedom. I’ve been smiling on the inside a couple of times, which is usually a sign of self-confidence, but it’s also because it’s Autumn and not many people understand the beauty of it. I like the end of many things. It’s the time you take a breather. You’ve accomplished something, it’s the end, now cool down. If there is anything I’m scared of it’ll be new beginnings. Unlike Hemingway, I am not a fan of Spring. To a new beginning…the beginning of WHAT?! I still love you Ernest – my fellow Cancerian who was able to paint emotions with a metaphorical brush. The end of A Farewell To Arms, you know what I mean. At the end of things you simply sit back and meditate. You absorb the moment by smiling on the inside, embracing the cool air on your skin. I won’t deny that I am knackered, but if I spread myself thin I remind myself that I am alive and that there is always something that needs to be done. On another note I feel so damn empty, and I mean EMPTY. I have shallow desires, numb emotions – just nothing meaningful at all to share. But I am still smiling inside – for friends and family. Reminding myself to create meanings to live for, but there is not much (Camus, please give me a sign). The existential dilemma started at the age of eleven when I wrote in my Hello Kitty journal. Suddenly everything needed a meaning and my emotional stress needed a home. My friend Nate says that...

Orbit

We have entered Mercury Retrograde again. I believe it’s a good time not to worry about anything and just let the stars mess with our heads and do fun things, good things and even bad things. If there is one thing one shouldn’t be doing during this period it is making big decisions or communicate something incomprehensible, because not one single person will understand you, and you will most likely be collecting the shreds of the biggest ideas of your life, feeling miserable. Perhaps it’s the best time to reflect, research, make notes and think ahead, but not execute anything, yet. It’s all about preparation and timing. With the amount of solar flare eruptions I am not surprised why we’re all currently in such a messed up state of mind. Back in the old days we seem to have had way more stability and order, because we didn’t have many options. Unlike now, we’re crushed with all the possible choices that we have, decisions that we are able to make, but cannot make. It’s a deadly paralysis of the mind. We also get bored more easily; our attention span is becoming more goldfish-like. Moreover, capitalism is making us forget our own personal values; it feels like everything that gives us comfort needs to be purchased. I like to use the term ‘art’ as something that combines creative elements such as art itself, literature, photography, poetry, music, etc. Being human is to express oneself and hoping that someone out there understands how you feel. But he or she most likely does not and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. We all perceive things differently. None of our experiences are ever the same or comparable. And yet, we inspire each other through words and actions, but we perceive an idea differently. I’m at a point in life where taking action has become crucial. I no longer want to wait for anything. I no longer want to shelve my dreams and wait for something to happen. As an absurdist it is deadly to stagnate, because the meaninglessness of life will always catch up and say, “What’s the point of it all?” Though, it’s not always easy to keep rebelling against absurdity. In the end you’re merely making up meaning to keep yourself going. Hope is the only thing that will always die last no matter how corny is sounds. I believe in the stars, as they reflect a hazy outline of who we really are. If the moon already has an influence on humans and earth, then what do you think all our other...