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Random Articles
The kitten and the alcoholics, sex and drug addicts... He sings about the old familiar sting. Up till now I haven’t forgotten how it feels. Last night’s splinter in my leg was a perfect reminder and also walking past some bike shop even increased my emotional level. The incompetence of this city got me home too late. It’s bright now and I don’t even feel tired. I just have this constant need to wear my hood just to prevent myself from throwing biased and prejudiced utterances and accusations...
Orbit We have entered Mercury Retrograde again. I believe it’s a good time not to worry about anything and just let the stars mess with our heads and do fun things, good things and even bad things. If there is one thing one shouldn’t be doing during this period it is making big decisions or communicate something incomprehensible, because not one single person will understand you, and you will most likely be collecting the shreds of the biggest ideas of...
The Pagliacci complex The Calgary sun feels lighter; it also puts less pressure on one’s head. Though, the cold is a different story to which her skin overreacts. Her hands have at least aged by five years. She watches how the skin of her scalp plays with the dust in the sunlight. It somewhat feels like her perception is crumbling way. When you look too closely you get caught in a bubble, she thinks. And this is where she wants her mind...
Tell the kid to play Sometimes the feeling that you can do anything leads you astray and you are aware of it, but the idea of going wrong tastes so sweet on your tongue…  You spread the sweetness on your teeth and you swallow. The result is a tingle in your stomach.  Before you ask yourself where to go from here you do a little tango dance. It feels warm and familiar and yet you condemn it for its inexplicable presence. Lie. The truth...
Perseverance A dislocated dream in the art world Like reality’s eye seeking escapism Where to go is not what matters For this cage expands in the heart Every keystroke, every footstep Every enunciated word of madness Is perseverance within...
Chemical, biological, sexual, literary... What if someone has killed the messenger? With all these layers of skin how long will it take to break through? If the glass is half full why is the water still so low? What if Darwin had only done it for fame? Why did your mother not tell you the truth from the beginning? Why did you write your dad an 80-page letter blaming him for who you are? How guilty do you feel when you touch yourself?...

When doves cry

When you say, “It’s happening”, it means a lot of things, mostly exciting things. Decisions have to be made for it to happen, though – and make those decisions before retrograde, which is taking place next week! Of course making decisions isn’t easy if too many things are involved, such as financial or occupational sacrifices, etc. But by all means you need to stop doing what makes you unhappy! Sure, things get more difficult as you grow older. You cling on fears. Making decisions was way easier when you were in your early twenties, when you had the whole future ahead of you, such as another university degree to take. For me it was always studies over work. Stepping in a professional job market was one of my biggest fears. I almost had permanent rosacea from the stress and fear that it’d brought along. Anyhow, I would say I’m still very determined about my decisions. It’s more about timing these days. Just remember to take action when something doesn’t feel right. So I decided that I want to leave Calgary and that’s what we’re going to do. The one way to make it official is to quite the job(!). There are two decisions in one here: Quit the job and move away. Calgary has been a good home for me in the last few years, and I thought that it was the place to settle, but if you’re in a place where too much has happened and you’ve not been happy the for the last while I’ll know it’s time to move on. It also took me a long time to decide when to publish my book, but it was partly my fault for not giving people that were involved a deadline, since I’m the only one that really priorities it. I obviously feel bad taking people’s time. I always have, especially if they don’t ask for anything in return. The book is still in progress, though, and I won’t have much time to promote or market it here in town. I don’t want worry about it too much. True, I have spent over ten years on it. I wouldn’t say I am a perfectionist; it’s not that I’ve spent this huge amount of time obsessing over it. If anything, it has been more of a learning process and overcoming my fear in getting it out there. There was a fear or sharing it with it people, but the feedback for redrafting purposes was essential. Generally being criticized and judged is scary, but if you see what kind of...

Coming soon…

It’s coming. I have been talking about this for years to a point where people began to roll their eyes. But it’s for real this time! This novel emerged from a short story that I wrote in 2006. An American female doctor pondering about breaking her patient’s nose just to add some colour to his face. That got me my first A ever. I cried. My tutor found it extremely funny and told me it was worth developing — so I ventured into that journey. Now that short story has found its place in chapter ten in this book. Please check out the blurb below and let me know what you think! I can’t wait to finally share it with you all. I hope you will enjoy it. Stay tuned for publication news!   >>Ellen Parker is a junior heart surgeon living in New York. The city is her hideout, the hospital is her life, and her patients her unwitting guinea pigs. While Ellen hungers to discover the intimate secrets of the human body, both on the operating table and in her sexual odyssey, her knowledge of herself and her own desires remains just out of reach. As the novel explores those secrets in ever more nightmarish ways, it becomes clear that the tension between Ellen’s demanding career and disturbing sex life cannot be maintained, with the two worlds destructively colliding. Will Ellen’s desire for control—both over her career and her difficult past—also be her undoing?<< Blurb by Elizabeth Wells, (c) 2018 Cover design by Egemen (c)...

It took Saturn that long

Do you remember my blog post from January last year called  ‘Three Years’? I was going back in time and only now do I realise that it’s time to move forward and think ahead. I want to work towards something good whatever it will be three years from now. Calgary has served me well for the most part, or at least it has until now. And dear me, I thought this was the place for me to settle! I want to listen to my mum and start thinking of buying a property and stay put. The notion of settling down has always been a daunting one. I was unable to do it in Germany and England, no matter how much fun I had. And usually it’s an unsuccessful relationship, an unfulfilling job or general disillusionment that triggers this hunger for change and longing for escape. But the older you get the more scared and exhausted you become, as you’re overwhelmed by all the events that have happened so far in your life. And I’ve always wondered why anyone would ever get scared of new adventures. I didn’t realise until later that this is how your experiences shape you – both the good and bad ones. And often the bad ones leave a traumatic imprint in your life and although you’ve learnt from it you’re still nervous it will happen again. This is not how things should be. Being scared. Shitless. You’ll always develop some form of fear in order to protect yourself. You expect the past to repeat itself. It only takes one wrong step. And it’s easy to take that wrong step. Happiness is so hard to maintain, while sadness is not. And before you get disappointed again, why not tell yourself that happiness is not meant for you? I was like this for a while, unknowingly. But I’ve always embraced changes, especially big ones, such as moving to a new country on my own. I first moved to England at the age of 18, excited, because I was in love with Britpop and the English language. I had zero expectations, which contributed to the excitement and absence of fear. I never got homesick, either. Homesick only occurs if you’re not enjoying yourself. England was a big contributor of mental scars, however. Relationship problems and work stress had caused my first panic attacks since childhood. As a kid I had trouble breathing as well, but I never knew what a panic attack was until I was in my early twenties. I remember going to the doctor’s saying that I...

Thoughts on Memoir

My former Primary School used to be just one block down the road from where we lived. It would take less than five minutes to walk. But for some reason my mum would drive the two minutes to take me to school. Rarely would she walk me there. Classes were usually from 07:30 until 12:30 or 13:30 with lots of recess in between classes, which was hell for me, especially on cold days. The school wouldn’t let any kid stay inside. The rule was as much fresh air as possible. I wasn’t really into that when I was young, especially with no playmates. I was only outdoorsy in our own backyard when it involved just me and my sister or cousins. I didn’t feel good enough to play with beautiful white kids. My whole life is about delayed awareness. Most of the time you just can’t expect me to react fast enough, unless my instincts are really sharp. If fears and insecurities are evident you can expect this delay to stay for years. Most of the time my instincts are not as sharp and alert as they should be. I’d been trying to work out why. Was it indifference, or the inability to live a human life? I would follow every lead; it didn’t matter from whom: Parents, teachers, doctors, etc. I just don’t remember ever feeling anything except for a mental paralysis. That one afternoon when the last class was cancelled and all kids were sent home early, my mum had no idea about it. No one had notified my parents and I didn’t have a cell phone back in 1991. So I went to the pick up area as usual to wait for my mum, expecting her to know everything and simply be there any minute. I was watching kids walk home by themselves or with their parents. About twenty minutes later I was still convinced that mum would be there any second. It just didn’t occur to me that the five-minute walk home was an option. About half an hour had passed and one of my teachers walked up to me asking why I wasn’t going home. I never spoke a word at Primary School so I didn’t say anything. I don’t remember whether she’d walked me home or called my parents, but what I do remember is she told my mother off. I didn’t feel stupid and guilty until years after. Moreover, I felt angry that my parents were being so overly protective of me that I didn’t know how to do things on my...

Between the 31st and 1st

Before January 1, 2017 hit me I was drunk on Vodka and had puked a couple of times before the NY’s kiss. I was at a place I didn’t want to be. I think I’d spent three NYEs at Cowboys fucking Casino in Calgary. NYEs used to be a big deal for me, but they no longer are. The best time I had went in stages. As a kid I used to love NYEs with family and fireworks. My sister, cousin and I would make a schedule for NYE with things to do and games to play. That way we can make the day go by quicker. The last thing on the list would be a nap from around 8 p.m. until 9 p.m and then my dad would’ve cooked a big, big dinner for the family and relatives in our former restaurant. Good times. All that kind of stopped when I turned fifteen or so – same with Christmas. Everyone had lost his or her enthusiasm. I had too. When I was around eighteen I discovered the fun of clubbing. And yes, it involved booze, because I wanted to fit in and peer pressure was no obstacle. People liked me, what more would you want? The best time was in my early twenties when I realised that clubbing combined with Rock and Metal was possible, most importantly, shared with a bunch of friends that have the same interest in music and love for Desperados. (Note: It’s one of the few beers that I like and would drink at least once or twice a year when dancing hard.) Those were my favourite times back home in Hamburg. I miss those days a lot, but you grow older and things and people change. One of my most memorable NYEs was crying to sleep before midnight with Franz Schubert’s Winterreise on repeat. I needed that cry so bad, though. That was 2011 I think after I’d graduated from my MA degree and moved to an apartment in Southeast London. The previous year I went out clubbing in Islington/London with my friend. The place we went to was supposed to be an indie club, and it’s important to note that people make a fuss out of NYE –so it’s no longer an indie club, but an I-wanna-get-laid club. Wherever you swing your hips there’ll be hands grabbing you at every move. You are surrounded by drunk pricks thinking they had every right to approach you. Anyway, my friend got picked up. I remember taking the train home alone and not being able...

When Mercury moonwalks through my head

During Savasana my Yoga teacher said, “Can you sit at the edge of your thoughts?” It’s what Buddha would ask his disciples. “Would you sit by the muddy stream and wait until it becomes clear again?” Buddhism teaches that patience is the key to most dilemmas and troubles. When I was younger my friends would spread the saying, “Good things come to those who wait.” I hated that. Well, everyone’s situation is different. Why wait for something that won’t change or change for the better? You would only do that when you’re young and stupid, lacking in experience. If there is one thing that we learn in life it’s that we have a choice. Humans have a choice, but nature does not. It doesn’t need a choice. Its only constant is change. It’s ruled by impermanence and that’s what peace of mind is all about. Humans can change if they want and while nature passes us by we will often notice that we have influence on it. Wait – is that destiny? The older I get the more I think that we’re ruled by destiny, although things happen because we make them happen. Nothing is permanent. This awareness is the key to happiness, Buddha says. All you do is combine it with patience and observation. In fact, happiness is emptiness and acceptance. I don’t know when I’ll ever get there. Let me know if you ever do and tell me what it’s like. It must feel like listening to your favourite song throughout your life only to find out that this song never existed. Either I don’t understand or I haven’t come to terms with it, yet. And then Bukowski came along and said that life was all about waiting –waiting for the train, waiting for your paycheck. Waiting to die. That kind of waiting makes the most sense to me. It’s what we can all relate to. You may call that patience as well, or even bravery, because you’re not quitting. Camus would say it’s ok to quit, but you refuse to do so. That might be the best choice you’ll ever make—revolt while you can. Again, “Can you sit at the edge of your thoughts” and simply observe them? Perhaps so much shit has been going on in your life that you’ve suddenly come to an unexpected halt? This is when I would sit down, too and close my eyes. The tainted thoughts will eventually clear when you realise that you’re a breathing creature. You’re still filling your lungs with air and you’re thankful that you are...

Insentience (Mixtape)

  How do antiheroes feel? Who are they trying to be, or who to they think they are? Some blend in, some do not, cannot. I sense a lot of hidden pain – pain that will crumble into insentient particles, as though it never existed.               Here’s a YouTube mixtape: Queens of the Stone Age – “The Vampire of Time and Memory” Jimmy Eat World – “Disintegration” Stone Sour “Bother” Nine Inch Nails – “And all that could have been” Darkest Hour – “Pathos” Depeche Mode – “Clean” Gregory and the Hawk – “A Century is all we need” Joy Divison- “New Dawn fades” Yann Tiersen – “Summer 78” Nine Inch Nails –...

The man lying by the pool

The fitness class was disrupted by the sound of the fire alarm this morning. I’ve never heard it at the gym before. I expected some form of evacuation, but it turned out that it wasn’t a fire. A man was receiving CPR in the pool area and all staff members had gathered there; an ambulance had just arrived, too. We had to discontinue the class, as we couldn’t put the music back on. Not just that, our instructor, who’d seen the man on the ground, came back to us in tears, but at the same time she was trying her best to keep us motivated, saying that we’d all be back on Wednesday morning to kick-ass. She’s by far the happiest Canadian girl I’ve ever met and seeing her like that made me believe that she’s a genuinely empathetic human-being, strong and full of life. I admire people like that because they’re all what I’m not. I have to constantly remind myself where I am and that what I’m doing is worth pursuing. Extreme real-life situations seem to numb me up right away, though. It makes me wonder whether I am able to feel strong connections to people. Very often a delayed kind of emotion would kick in eventually. However, I find that I empathise with fictional characters in books more, because throughout reading I pretend that I am them or I simply relate to who they are and their actions. It’s easier and more comprehensive. That is because you understand yourself the best, but not necessarily what the writer is trying to bring across. That’s the beauty of empathy and understanding. There is only one’s own perception to go by (the scary reality of solipsism). And everything happens to make more sense on a fictional degree. Empathy is mostly about feeling other people’s sentiments, understanding them. But you won’t ever be able to feel anything as close as what they feel. Nowadays the only reason why I write is to feel. Many years ago I wrote to channel my emotions and troubled head. Now most emotion has escaped and all there’s left is a troubled absurdist’s head, numb and trapped, just trying to make meaning. Throughout the day I couldn’t stop thinking of that man lying by the pool. I did not see him, but I saw the sentiment that my gym instructor had on her face. And yet I’d rather picture him myself. He was probably having a morning swim before going home for breakfast and then that unexpected incident happened. It could’ve happened in the water...