Recent Comments
  • Paula: Update: According to my sis we saw Audioslave at Hurricane F...
  • Sam: You are so fucked up!...
  • e.: Reduce it to the neccessary, worry less and take your time...
  • eGe: Hallo Paula, die erste Hälfte put a smile on my face and mad...
  • SCAK: Lange her, dass ich das letzte Mal dort stand und irgendwohi...
  • P-chan: Exactly. At dawn....
Random Articles
Lynch caressing my crimson velvet... So many cars are coming from wrong directions. Is my inattentiveness, when crossing roads, being accompanied by luck? No. – Instinct. Instinct and thoughtlessness. My weak ears, but strong inner eye.  Still, what a thoughtless thing to do. I felt exceptionally cold in bed last night although the temperatures have risen again the last couple of days. Even though I know the cause of this coldness, I’m glad that it has taken away my appetite. Eating is so barbaric...
He was the highway 20:09 It feels like a long flight, although it isn’t. My legs are still numb. I mean I sit at work for about the same amount of time as well, but at least I get to walk around. Trouble sleeping, but I did nap for a couple of hours followed by two movies – neck’s sore now. Don’t know if I can go back to sleep. The teenager behind me is playing games on the monitor, which is also...
The hamster wheel The head feels twice as big and you refuse to take painkillers. Still, I ran a little around 6 miles today in 75min, same for tomorrow. Never did I care about the distance, but about time and now I care about where I could have run. If someone tells me the road is open, I picture a vast space that leads to anywhere and yet it seems like I prefer to spin my hamster wheel behind closed doors. I...
Alberta is a good lady This is day #6, but it feels like I’ve been here a lot longer. I’ve made myself at home quite easily; in fact, the moment I arrived at YYC I knew that it was going to be good. It’s not optimism, I just knew. That’s all. Elderly ladies with cowboy hats warmly welcomed me at the arrivals and the immigration officers were very easygoing and issued me my work permit on the spot with no difficulty. I was surprised...
2 days in February Hungry for prose, he wrote. Yes, I can relate too well, especially if everything feels like plastic or nothing. There have been too many of those days – falling off the wagon despite knowing you could have held on to something, or, falling prey to mundanity when all you have to do is motivate yourself to go outside. But you couldn’t be bothered at the time, because it didn’t feel right or you didn’t care. If we fall on...
Industrial waste The result is fake, illusory smiles; second hand smiles with unknown origins. Except, one thing’s for sure – they aren’t mine, despite acting them for real. It’s an extraordinary outward appearance which most people are expert at establishing, whereas I’m best at genuinely smiling through my guts with the most daunting tunnel vision ever experienced. Basically no surroundings visible, except for the ugliest shapes of my own writing: uncertain curves, stiff lines – all aiming towards undiscovered directions, hoping...

Jaded

Got Soul Asylum’s biggest hit on repeat while attempting to focus. The song’s chord progression somehow touches the right spot in my chest, and I feel like I have to pay attention to it before bed. It’s merely half past seven and my eyes are heavy; I think I’ve had about thirty hours of sleep in the last five days and it will catch up on me tomorrow. It does every weekend. Recently I enjoy spreading myself thin. But job is not part of the enjoyment. I’m a nice person (at least I think I am), but the constant desire to tell customers to f*ck off doesn’t just make me a bad employee, but also a bad person. So what happens is that I feel guilty for my thoughts and actions. This is not good for me or anyone else around me. What can I say, there are people that are not made to work. Not that way. This summer ended with a greater sense of determination and freedom. I’ve been smiling on the inside a couple of times, which is usually a sign of self-confidence, but it’s also because it’s Autumn and not many people understand the beauty of it. I like the end of many things. It’s the time you take a breather. You’ve accomplished something, it’s the end, now cool down. If there is anything I’m scared of it’ll be new beginnings. Unlike Hemingway, I am not a fan of Spring. To a new beginning…the beginning of WHAT?! I still love you Ernest – my fellow Cancerian who was able to paint emotions with a metaphorical brush. The end of A Farewell To Arms, you know what I mean. At the end of things you simply sit back and meditate. You absorb the moment by smiling on the inside, embracing the cool air on your skin. I won’t deny that I am knackered, but if I spread myself thin I remind myself that I am alive and that there is always something that needs to be done. On another note I feel so damn empty, and I mean EMPTY. I have shallow desires, numb emotions – just nothing meaningful at all to share. But I am still smiling inside – for friends and family. Reminding myself to create meanings to live for, but there is not much (Camus, please give me a sign). The existential dilemma started at the age of eleven when I wrote in my Hello Kitty journal. Suddenly everything needed a meaning and my emotional stress needed a home. My friend Nate says that...

Megalomania

“We are in a world where you have to pay for sun light. This is when you believe that capitalism can’t get any worse,” Tom says. I look at him and his SunMaster tanning bulbs, which he has just bought for his tanning bed. We leave the store and look at the artificial atmosphere above us, simulating dark grey clouds. It’s as if the sky was a giant flat TV. But to me it’s just another day in England – nothing special, except that it’s very hot for September. “You don’t handle it well, do you?” I ask Tom. “Think of the Scandinavians.” “Ha, I feel for them!” “The less people the better it is for the world.” “What do you mean?” he asks. We are on the way to his place to kill some time, play video games. That way you won’t even think about outside. When staring at the clouds I can’t really tell where the sun is. Being a winter person I have no problem with daylight on cloudy days at all. My skin has always absorbed the sunlight well, even through the clouds. All these people, Tom included, are overreacting. They would swallow numerous vitamin pills every day to make sure they don’t have any deficiencies. “Don’t you realize that they want the suicide rates to go up?” I say. Tom doesn’t understand, and I don’t think he ever will. He is a smart kid, an engineer to-be and happy enough despite the clouds above us. It’s the panic of others that make him go with the flow. “My uncle is making big money at his funeral home…” he says. “I assume that cremation is a must these days, eh?” “Yeah.” There are a lot of cemeteries here and the government plans to either get rid of them or build on them. We have already survived the period of the Purge, but all the rich people in the government will always have more in store to wipe out the poor. There is a resistance group that is mostly active at night. Some of them are often seen with Guy Fawkes masks, and people refer to them as, “What is left of Anonymous”. They are not criminals, not in my eyes anyway, as they feed the poor. However, they did light up fireworks with an attempt to destroy the screen in the sky. A couple of them were caught, and we never knew what the government did to them. We find Tom’s mum on the sun bed and his little sister Lily in front of the...

Orbit

We have entered Mercury Retrograde again. I believe it’s a good time not to worry about anything and just let the stars mess with our heads and do fun things, good things and even bad things. If there is one thing one shouldn’t be doing during this period it is making big decisions or communicate something incomprehensible, because not one single person will understand you, and you will most likely be collecting the shreds of the biggest ideas of your life, feeling miserable. Perhaps it’s the best time to reflect, research, make notes and think ahead, but not execute anything, yet. It’s all about preparation and timing. With the amount of solar flare eruptions I am not surprised why we’re all currently in such a messed up state of mind. Back in the old days we seem to have had way more stability and order, because we didn’t have many options. Unlike now, we’re crushed with all the possible choices that we have, decisions that we are able to make, but cannot make. It’s a deadly paralysis of the mind. We also get bored more easily; our attention span is becoming more goldfish-like. Moreover, capitalism is making us forget our own personal values; it feels like everything that gives us comfort needs to be purchased. I like to use the term ‘art’ as something that combines creative elements such as art itself, literature, photography, poetry, music, etc. Being human is to express oneself and hoping that someone out there understands how you feel. But he or she most likely does not and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. We all perceive things differently. None of our experiences are ever the same or comparable. And yet, we inspire each other through words and actions, but we perceive an idea differently. I’m at a point in life where taking action has become crucial. I no longer want to wait for anything. I no longer want to shelve my dreams and wait for something to happen. As an absurdist it is deadly to stagnate, because the meaninglessness of life will always catch up and say, “What’s the point of it all?” Though, it’s not always easy to keep rebelling against absurdity. In the end you’re merely making up meaning to keep yourself going. Hope is the only thing that will always die last no matter how corny is sounds. I believe in the stars, as they reflect a hazy outline of who we really are. If the moon already has an influence on humans and earth, then what do you think all our other...

Er nennt die Pflanze Paula

My body’s currently unstable, my entire left side seems to be struggling since I stretched a ligament in my left wrist. But this injury is nothing compared to what others have. I can’t afford a physio, that’s for sure. I’ve used up all my insurance after merely two visits. I’m already irritated when told to rest for at least two weeks. What am I supposed to do? Focus on my novel I guess. Approach more presses, send out more emails, can’t afford to stop or give up. Though sometimes I forget I’m an existential absurdist, dreaming of a perfect date with Camus in heaven (or wherever he is). Too much dilemma going on right now – trying to solve them all – one by one. But I’ll need the left side of my body to function so I can do my push ups and planks – the only way to release the stress from work. Book work needs to move forward, too, so I can tell my family good things I’m going to do for them in future. My guru is standing by me. He’s the only Cancerian that I know who is tough and doesn’t take shit from anyone. I sometimes wonder how often he’s fallen on his face to become who he is. It will be a productive...

Three Libras

Rest both your feet on your desk. It’s a kind of day you would try to teach yourself how to move each single toe on its own. If you are a former piano player you would’ve practiced that with your fingers. Fingers are much more mobile since you have long phalanges and metacarpals. But toes have a slightly different composition and need more practice if you ever want to use them more. You have to pay attention to them and speak to them like Beatrix did in the movie. If you ever want to get to know yourself better you need to get to know your toes. Here’s a little story or observation: When totally still I have a massive gap between the big toe and the rest. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard about toe readings, but I was told it meant that I was an isolated person – a loner. Unfortunately they didn’t say I was a good actress. I still believe that I can teach myself, though. However, I pay attention to my toes and notice that the big toe likes to spend time alone, every now and then it works well in conjunction with the ball of my foot and it gives me stability. The second, middle and ring toe, on the other hand, are a trio that like to have fun; often they would stretch upward together and pretend they’re as big as the big toe, but the big toe doesn’t give a fuck. Their little sister, the pinkie toe, lacks confidence and usually keeps to herself whenever her siblings are trying to reach high. Sometimes she looks over to the big toe and wonders why they can’t be close since they’re so similar to each other. At least when the second, middle and ring toe are not moving they would involve their little sister in a cuddle and ask her how she’s doing. She needs that little love, as otherwise she’d feel useless. I don’t use her often, either, unless I’m doing some form of balance exercise. And now a little secret: The second toe has a thing for the big toe and would occasionally put her head on big toe’s shoulder. He doesn’t mind. I still feel like I need to teach each single one how to look after itself. I look after them by massaging them for a better circulation. The big toe likes it when I press just below the ball of my foot. It bends forward as though thanking me. And when pressing into the arch of my foot...

I don’t

Enough of beating around the bush and metaphors – I shall be plain and simple for this one.   I don’t care what people think anymore. I don’t care what people don’t understand. I don’t care what people really see. I don’t care if I’m a socially awkward introvert.   If it doesn’t feel right, it just doesn’t.   We’re all different and that’s all there is. I won’t take shit from anyone anymore. I won’t let anyone push me towards something that’s not right for me. I won’t chase anyone, unless I have a serious bone to with them. And I will no longer explain things more than twice.   I’m sick of feeling bad. I’m sick of feeling guilty. I’m sick of waiting. All for no good reason.   I will do what makes me feel good (without harming others). I will do what I think is right.   If you ask me who I am, all I can say is that I’m someone with anxieties that decided not to go on medication (, because I have my own ways of dealing with them). If you have a problem with that you have to go, otherwise I will.   When I say it’s enough, trust me, it is enough.   On the other hand I care about a lot of things. However, a majority of it is broken and it’s beyond my ability to fix it. If you know how it feels and if you can empathise – good. If you cannot, then don’t say a word. I’m not stupid, I would obviously focus on what I can fix.   It sucks to be a Cancer, because it takes more time to toughen up; we fall on our faces often, because we hold on for too long, or we set our hopes too high, while deeply inside we know it’s not right. My favourite Cancer is in his fifties – and he knows how people tick, but I...

Comfort in Chris’ voice

I don’t know about you, but usually I am only able to cope with one failure a day, not two. In the last few hours I’ve been looking for excuses to make myself feel better. It started off at work when I realised that I am not cut out for accounting, but at least I was able to figure out my errors, but the errors were 4-6 months old, so I can’t fix them on my own. But do I really want to do a course and invest my valuable time into it only to find out that I want to change job within a year’s time? Accounting is not my background, no, but it doesn’t have to be, I only needed a good eye for detail and focus and the errors wouldn’t have occurred. A little too late. This evening I took a climbing class to improve my technique only to find out tonight that my technique was non-existent. It was my first climb in over two weeks and I was unable to plan my routes, unable to crush the brick wall in my mind. Every move felt wrong, every position was uncomfortable. Two hours later I was in pieces.   I haven’t even been back for a week and all I’ve been doing is throw myself back into my old routine, thinking that it will be fine. I had no rest at home, neither mentally nor physically. I’ve wanted to cry for weeks, but can’t. And then my horoscope pointed out high stress levels and lack of sleep for today. The stars know. I’m just not paying attention. I last meditated two months ago, I think. I have no space in my head for anything – everything wants attention and all I want is to switch off or focus on my alter ego instead, and stories that can go on paper. How else am I supposed to remove inexplicable emotions or interpret unsettling dreams about being trapped in the mall? The lifts aren’t working so I have to climb up the walls. The doors won’t open – do I look for keys or use a hammer? I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep my hopes up like this. I feel like I am close to something, but at the same time I feel far away. It must be two different things that I feel. In a case like this wouldn’t you focus on what’s close and make the best out of it, make it come true? Not let anything come in between. Not let anything come...

Home

It feels like I am close to a panic attack or something. I’ve absorbed a lot of negative energy from someone who really needed to let it out. But there is nothing that you can do to facilitate their anguish, hate and resentment. Back in the past I used to hold grudges, too, mainly because they gave me something to write about, literally. It wasn’t until years later when I realised that holding on to pain is nothing but stupid and the writing turned out to be full of self-pity. But I’m past that age. I’ve made a lot of changes since then. I’ve been working on my own happiness and I can’t wait to return to Canada and continue with that, because it is not possible in Germany. Things are sad here no matter what you saw in my social media. I only happened to bookmark the happy moments. Who wants to see or read about the sad ones, right? In fact, I haven’t really had a day off to myself, so I am nowhere near rested and time has gone pretty fast. My book’s not ready to be published, either. I haven’t watched my series, not to mention the new Twin Peaks. I have no time. I don’t remember the last time my dermatitis was so bad. All this mixed with post-pill acne and general allergies. It’s getting better now, but my face was burning. My old habits of sleeping in till late & going to bed late kicked in as well. Home makes me deadly sluggish. And I can’t keep up with my workout, although my wrist feels better. There are a lot of things I want to go into details about, but I am not going to. This will have to wait until the first draft of my memoir. I currently feel like I’m unable to feel ‘hope’. There are people whose mental state is unchangeable. No matter how constructive and positive you’re trying to be – they shrug you off, because they are unable to believe. How deeply hurt and angry must they be?! It’s like trying to break down a brick wall with your bare hands. I’m also making a huge effort to meet as many friends as I can, because I care, but there is no way I can fit four coffees in a day and I am sorry. I also feel like I need to crawl into a hole for a while and recharge. Things will be finalised and executed in June. No excuses. I will tell you about the e-book,...