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Random Articles
Wake up, P. This is the first time in a year that I got ill again. A cold that usually lasts for a couple of hours has extended to several days. I fall asleep easily, but I would wake up 3-4 times in the middle of the night for no particular reason. It’s as if my body’s telling me to wake up from a dream. The recent dreams aren’t special, I don’t remember details, but I am in unfamiliar places.   My...
Citizen   You can fall in and out of love with a country, I guess. And I have fallen out of love with Canada. This country is not as welcoming as it says it is. And what keeps me here is nothing but boyfriend and the gym. Surely I don’t want to stay here for good, but it’s handy to have an option at least. In this very moment I simply feel dead inside. It might be because I have...
Lynch caressing my crimson velvet... So many cars are coming from wrong directions. Is my inattentiveness, when crossing roads, being accompanied by luck? No. – Instinct. Instinct and thoughtlessness. My weak ears, but strong inner eye.  Still, what a thoughtless thing to do. I felt exceptionally cold in bed last night although the temperatures have risen again the last couple of days. Even though I know the cause of this coldness, I’m glad that it has taken away my appetite. Eating is so barbaric...
Implementation and Haribo Haribo at nighttime seems a bit wrong, but the way the sweet taste melts on my tongue is quite soothing.   I’m running out of bepanthen and my back is peeling badly, but at least it’s no longer painful. I was such a wimp as well, because he had to add numbing cream on my back. However, he said I was a brave girl for choosing that motif. What’s so brave about it when I have a reason, when...
The Pagliacci complex The Calgary sun feels lighter; it also puts less pressure on one’s head. Though, the cold is a different story to which her skin overreacts. Her hands have at least aged by five years. She watches how the skin of her scalp plays with the dust in the sunlight. It somewhat feels like her perception is crumbling way. When you look too closely you get caught in a bubble, she thinks. And this is where she wants her mind...
Laurie’s Cottage Pie... Laurie was standing half naked in front of the bathroom mirror, blow-drying her hair. Little Vincent was shouting: “Mommy! MOMMY!” Vincent pulled at Laurie’s underwear, and she accidentally hit her head with the hairdryer. The string of her underwear slapped hard against her hip. “For God’s sakes, Vince! Watch it!” There was no way to keep her blood pressure low these days. On the day Vincent was born she knew that she had literally shortened her life by ten...

Thoughts on Memoir

My former Primary School used to be just one block down the road from where we lived. It would take less than five minutes to walk. But for some reason my mum would drive the two minutes to take me to school. Rarely would she walk me there. Classes were usually from 07:30 until 12:30 or 13:30 with lots of recess in between classes, which was hell for me, especially on cold days. The school wouldn’t let any kid stay inside. The rule was as much fresh air as possible. I wasn’t really into that when I was young, especially with no playmates. I was only outdoorsy in our own backyard when it involved just me and my sister or cousins. I didn’t feel good enough to play with beautiful white kids. My whole life is about delayed awareness. Most of the time you just can’t expect me to react fast enough, unless my instincts are really sharp. If fears and insecurities are evident you can expect this delay to stay for years. Most of the time my instincts are not as sharp and alert as they should be. I’d been trying to work out why. Was it indifference, or the inability to live a human life? I would follow every lead; it didn’t matter from whom: Parents, teachers, doctors, etc. I just don’t remember ever feeling anything except for a mental paralysis. That one afternoon when the last class was cancelled and all kids were sent home early, my mum had no idea about it. No one had notified my parents and I didn’t have a cell phone back in 1991. So I went to the pick up area as usual to wait for my mum, expecting her to know everything and simply be there any minute. I was watching kids walk home by themselves or with their parents. About twenty minutes later I was still convinced that mum would be there any second. It just didn’t occur to me that the five-minute walk home was an option. About half an hour had passed and one of my teachers walked up to me asking why I wasn’t going home. I never spoke a word at Primary School so I didn’t say anything. I don’t remember whether she’d walked me home or called my parents, but what I do remember is she told my mother off. I didn’t feel stupid and guilty until years after. Moreover, I felt angry that my parents were being so overly protective of me that I didn’t know how to do things on my...

Between the 31st and 1st

Before January 1, 2017 hit me I was drunk on Vodka and had puked a couple of times before the NY’s kiss. I was at a place I didn’t want to be. I think I’d spent three NYEs at Cowboys fucking Casino in Calgary. NYEs used to be a big deal for me, but they no longer are. The best time I had went in stages. As a kid I used to love NYEs with family and fireworks. My sister, cousin and I would make a schedule for NYE with things to do and games to play. That way we can make the day go by quicker. The last thing on the list would be a nap from around 8 p.m. until 9 p.m and then my dad would’ve cooked a big, big dinner for the family and relatives in our former restaurant. Good times. All that kind of stopped when I turned fifteen or so – same with Christmas. Everyone had lost his or her enthusiasm. I had too. When I was around eighteen I discovered the fun of clubbing. And yes, it involved booze, because I wanted to fit in and peer pressure was no obstacle. People liked me, what more would you want? The best time was in my early twenties when I realised that clubbing combined with Rock and Metal was possible, most importantly, shared with a bunch of friends that have the same interest in music and love for Desperados. (Note: It’s one of the few beers that I like and would drink at least once or twice a year when dancing hard.) Those were my favourite times back home in Hamburg. I miss those days a lot, but you grow older and things and people change. One of my most memorable NYEs was crying to sleep before midnight with Franz Schubert’s Winterreise on repeat. I needed that cry so bad, though. That was 2011 I think after I’d graduated from my MA degree and moved to an apartment in Southeast London. The previous year I went out clubbing in Islington/London with my friend. The place we went to was supposed to be an indie club, and it’s important to note that people make a fuss out of NYE –so it’s no longer an indie club, but an I-wanna-get-laid club. Wherever you swing your hips there’ll be hands grabbing you at every move. You are surrounded by drunk pricks thinking they had every right to approach you. Anyway, my friend got picked up. I remember taking the train home alone and not being able...

When Mercury moonwalks through my head

During Savasana my Yoga teacher said, “Can you sit at the edge of your thoughts?” It’s what Buddha would ask his disciples. “Would you sit by the muddy stream and wait until it becomes clear again?” Buddhism teaches that patience is the key to most dilemmas and troubles. When I was younger my friends would spread the saying, “Good things come to those who wait.” I hated that. Well, everyone’s situation is different. Why wait for something that won’t change or change for the better? You would only do that when you’re young and stupid, lacking in experience. If there is one thing that we learn in life it’s that we have a choice. Humans have a choice, but nature does not. It doesn’t need a choice. Its only constant is change. It’s ruled by impermanence and that’s what peace of mind is all about. Humans can change if they want and while nature passes us by we will often notice that we have influence on it. Wait – is that destiny? The older I get the more I think that we’re ruled by destiny, although things happen because we make them happen. Nothing is permanent. This awareness is the key to happiness, Buddha says. All you do is combine it with patience and observation. In fact, happiness is emptiness and acceptance. I don’t know when I’ll ever get there. Let me know if you ever do and tell me what it’s like. It must feel like listening to your favourite song throughout your life only to find out that this song never existed. Either I don’t understand or I haven’t come to terms with it, yet. And then Bukowski came along and said that life was all about waiting –waiting for the train, waiting for your paycheck. Waiting to die. That kind of waiting makes the most sense to me. It’s what we can all relate to. You may call that patience as well, or even bravery, because you’re not quitting. Camus would say it’s ok to quit, but you refuse to do so. That might be the best choice you’ll ever make—revolt while you can. Again, “Can you sit at the edge of your thoughts” and simply observe them? Perhaps so much shit has been going on in your life that you’ve suddenly come to an unexpected halt? This is when I would sit down, too and close my eyes. The tainted thoughts will eventually clear when you realise that you’re a breathing creature. You’re still filling your lungs with air and you’re thankful that you are...

Insentience (Mixtape)

  How do antiheroes feel? Who are they trying to be, or who to they think they are? Some blend in, some do not, cannot. I sense a lot of hidden pain – pain that will crumble into insentient particles, as though it never existed.               Here’s a YouTube mixtape: Queens of the Stone Age – “The Vampire of Time and Memory” Jimmy Eat World – “Disintegration” Stone Sour “Bother” Nine Inch Nails – “And all that could have been” Darkest Hour – “Pathos” Depeche Mode – “Clean” Gregory and the Hawk – “A Century is all we need” Joy Divison- “New Dawn fades” Yann Tiersen – “Summer 78” Nine Inch Nails –...

The man lying by the pool

The fitness class was disrupted by the sound of the fire alarm this morning. I’ve never heard it at the gym before. I expected some form of evacuation, but it turned out that it wasn’t a fire. A man was receiving CPR in the pool area and all staff members had gathered there; an ambulance had just arrived, too. We had to discontinue the class, as we couldn’t put the music back on. Not just that, our instructor, who’d seen the man on the ground, came back to us in tears, but at the same time she was trying her best to keep us motivated, saying that we’d all be back on Wednesday morning to kick-ass. She’s by far the happiest Canadian girl I’ve ever met and seeing her like that made me believe that she’s a genuinely empathetic human-being, strong and full of life. I admire people like that because they’re all what I’m not. I have to constantly remind myself where I am and that what I’m doing is worth pursuing. Extreme real-life situations seem to numb me up right away, though. It makes me wonder whether I am able to feel strong connections to people. Very often a delayed kind of emotion would kick in eventually. However, I find that I empathise with fictional characters in books more, because throughout reading I pretend that I am them or I simply relate to who they are and their actions. It’s easier and more comprehensive. That is because you understand yourself the best, but not necessarily what the writer is trying to bring across. That’s the beauty of empathy and understanding. There is only one’s own perception to go by (the scary reality of solipsism). And everything happens to make more sense on a fictional degree. Empathy is mostly about feeling other people’s sentiments, understanding them. But you won’t ever be able to feel anything as close as what they feel. Nowadays the only reason why I write is to feel. Many years ago I wrote to channel my emotions and troubled head. Now most emotion has escaped and all there’s left is a troubled absurdist’s head, numb and trapped, just trying to make meaning. Throughout the day I couldn’t stop thinking of that man lying by the pool. I did not see him, but I saw the sentiment that my gym instructor had on her face. And yet I’d rather picture him myself. He was probably having a morning swim before going home for breakfast and then that unexpected incident happened. It could’ve happened in the water...

To do List (for the rest of 2017 and all of 2018)

Urgently think of a new title for my book. I used to be good at titling stories, why not now?! Once sorted with art work, chase the press and publish that goddamn thing before the end of this year Buy Glühwein ingredients Make sure all major projects and decisions are done and made before Mercury Retrograde begins on December 3 Call mum more often Catch up on solitary pastimes (i.e. READ more GOOD fiction) Read more at open-mic nights Incorporate at least twenty-minute mediation every day Write an article or essay and add to writing portfolio (suggestions on the theme are welcome!) Keep up with my fitness goals to become leaner and stronger Save money for driving lessons, become a member of Car2Go Camp with friends, hike with friends, dance with friends, have more fun with friends Climb more in the Spring and Summer Job applications and get myself a remote job Feel less guilty about anything Spend more time with family and support them whenever possible Visit a place that has pure Autumn season Re-visit Alaska or go further north in Canada to see the northern lights in the middle of Winter Just save money Set up Bitcoin Make macadamia (non-dairy) cheesecake like the one Nicole made Learn how to sit down and just do nothing for at least five minutes Learn how to be more direct with people Start a new project so I don’t run out of meanings to make Have a plan of buying my own apartment Visit California See Nine Inch Nails more Maintain the life of a plant or plant one myself (i.e. grow my own basil) Be a better friend to people Not make a list like this...

The present (vs. memory)

It’s no good hinging on memories. Sure it’s the only think you ever knew. Have you noticed that the only time you ever think of the past is when you’re unhappy? Why are you unhappy? Everyone learns (eventually) that the present counts the most. Whatever went wrong in the past is done with; there is no going back at all. You let an opportunity slip without pursuing it – this is it. You look through the corner window and see something that you could’ve influenced, so what? Is it really worth it in the long run? You shape your destiny, because the choice is yours, but making the right choice is the trick. The outside is never what it seems. To most people it’s simply easier to believe what they see, and it’s probably not what you see. What do you see? Everyone’s perception is so different. You love sunshine and so do they, but they don’t love it the same way as you. Even though people don’t change, you may one day see a new light in them and they will see a new one in you. Your sense of reality will always be opposed to something that’s not yours. The more you’re aware of it the lonelier you will feel. So don’t think about it. You will encounter a lot of people that are too scared to share their souls – they blow cigarette smoke into a bubble and not talk about it. They’ll either open up or they won’t. Don’t waste your time trying to crack their shells. It’s their game after all. Remember when she said that our heart dies when we grow older? This is the soul flight of the adolescent and adulthood. We learn and learn, and we wear out. But that’s the whole point. Time heals all wounds, but life comes with extra layers of complications, so what do you do? Do you keep learning your lessons as you go or do you go to sleep? Time and memory don’t mix well – it’s almost like a state of paralysis with no capacity of action. Don’t go there. Don’t tie yourself in knots. Just walk and leave behind footprints and maybe someone will follow. There will eventually be an exit. Keep taking action; keep your feet on the ground, because memories don’t have feet and therefore you cannot rely on them. Walk some more, take the longer way to cross the street if you must. Drive for longer. Have a strong perception on your surroundings; see through your own eyes and then...

Jaded

Got Soul Asylum’s biggest hit on repeat while attempting to focus. The song’s chord progression somehow touches the right spot in my chest, and I feel like I have to pay attention to it before bed. It’s merely half past seven and my eyes are heavy; I think I’ve had about thirty hours of sleep in the last five days and it will catch up on me tomorrow. It does every weekend. Recently I enjoy spreading myself thin. But job is not part of the enjoyment. I’m a nice person (at least I think I am), but the constant desire to tell customers to f*ck off doesn’t just make me a bad employee, but also a bad person. So what happens is that I feel guilty for my thoughts and actions. This is not good for me or anyone else around me. What can I say, there are people that are not made to work. Not that way. This summer ended with a greater sense of determination and freedom. I’ve been smiling on the inside a couple of times, which is usually a sign of self-confidence, but it’s also because it’s Autumn and not many people understand the beauty of it. I like the end of many things. It’s the time you take a breather. You’ve accomplished something, it’s the end, now cool down. If there is anything I’m scared of it’ll be new beginnings. Unlike Hemingway, I am not a fan of Spring. To a new beginning…the beginning of WHAT?! I still love you Ernest – my fellow Cancerian who was able to paint emotions with a metaphorical brush. The end of A Farewell To Arms, you know what I mean. At the end of things you simply sit back and meditate. You absorb the moment by smiling on the inside, embracing the cool air on your skin. I won’t deny that I am knackered, but if I spread myself thin I remind myself that I am alive and that there is always something that needs to be done. On another note I feel so damn empty, and I mean EMPTY. I have shallow desires, numb emotions – just nothing meaningful at all to share. But I am still smiling inside – for friends and family. Reminding myself to create meanings to live for, but there is not much (Camus, please give me a sign). The existential dilemma started at the age of eleven when I wrote in my Hello Kitty journal. Suddenly everything needed a meaning and my emotional stress needed a home. My friend Nate says that...