I have a big head, a blocked nose, sore eyes and dry lips. The typical symptoms of a bad day. It’s no big news that I’m not stress-resistant. I hate dealing with customers, but I don’t think there is a job where I’m free from people. Suppose it was at least a small group of people. I nearly lost my temper at the tills today. I don’t take complaints well, especially if it’s not my fault. The fact is I don’t say sorry. It was hell in England when I always had to say sorry when working in retail. But I’m not sorry at all. I’m never say sorry for what I do.
Now I’m here hiding from my mum because I was close to yelling at her again. The bonsai plant I bought her and dad for their 25th anniversary seems to be dying. The leaves are dry and about to fall off. Probably a sign that this isn’t a happy house, or we’re taking bad care of it. We don’t know how to treat plants, except water them now and then. I mean, what is fertiliser? How do you use it? I have no idea… I went all the way to Hamburg to buy it for them. And now the plant is fucking dying. I feel shit and guilty. I wasn’t made to look after anything or anyone.
God, what a…
Do you know where I want to be right now? I had a dream the other week.
I dreamed of someone special. I wonder what his name is, and I wonder where he is from. I laid my head on his chest as he was holding me. I hadn’t felt so wanted for a long time. But I’ve changed my mind; I won’t be looking for him. I’ll let him find me. I decided never to look for anyone again. I know I shouldn’t say “never“ when I might. Is he the one I’ve always been in love with? Or is he just the perfect match that I created in my head? Well, it does me no good racking my brains over it. It was just a dream.
That’s where I want to be, though…in his arms.
I’m not sure what makes me so tired lately. The last time I felt like that was when I was on the pills. However, I don’t want to say I need them, even though I know I do. There’s a lump in my throat; it’s hurting like hell. My nose is still blocked, and my eyes are sore.
It’s pretty obvious what comes next. But I won’t let it happen. Do you want to bet? Sure, you do. Looking down at me with your bottle of beer.
It’s not going to come. Nope.