Truth be told I’m lying

I have no intention of telling the truth about how I feel. Therefore I will be lying. Please don’t take any of it seriously.

Why do I bother showing people that I’m lonely? I’m not. I can’t have enough time for myself. I became more reserved than before. Being in groups is still terrifying to me, and I try my best to escape these situations. This mainly applies to groups of strangers–people who know each other but are strangers to me. I won’t break the ice and start a conversation. I’ve never been like that. I have my own way of getting to know people. You don’t need to be an extrovert.

Who cares what I think about people? Some can just come and go for all I care.

There’s no use getting to know people who do not influence your life. You call it connecting or networking. So you’re fishing for people that may be of advantage to you. I hate it!
You’re window-shopping for shoes that might fit you. This is what you are like with people. Think about it.

I can curse my honesty sometimes. I got hit on last night at my favourite club. That guy asked whether I was there often. I said yes, and I told him when my favourite party night was. So, well, what if he shows up next time and insists on buying me a drink? How the fuck can I send him to hell? I couldn’t give a shit about guys like him.
How uninspiring. How boring.

My fucking skin. I want to tear off my fucking skin, shed it and then grow a new one. One that’s healthy and free from chronic stress and allergy. Sometimes I get so choleric and angry that I want to skin myself. But why blame the skin when the blood’s causing all the trouble. Or the mind?

I was talking to a friend of mine. Very lovely, caring and confident. She’s over twenty and still a virgin; never been kissed either and never had a boyfriend. If anyone likes her, they’ll have to mean it, show it and eventually propose to her. She has never been in love either. What can you say – respect? I haven’t actually made up my mind about how I feel about it. Still, I’m not going to share my opinion on this, and I’m definitely not going to lie.

And I always complain about having wasted my youth. What about my friend? Well, she has been working hard for her future and still is. She is going to make something out of herself. This makes me ask myself whether I’m doing the same. I don’t know. I haven’t let go of the past. What a burden, and that’s all I can worry and moan about. Have I ever lived for today? (I have shared my opinion.)

After all, have I been lying about my feelings throughout this post? I was testing myself.

It’s a curse if you can’t lie. There are so many people I want to lie to, and I seem to fail each time. Some people don’t deserve knowing the truth, or they’re not ready for it. Although I’m obsessed with it, I’m not ready for it either. Until then, question marks will cover all meaning. Until then, it will remain sealed.

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