Rather indecisive

My head feels heavier than an obese child’s body. It’s like weighing 56 kg again, but thank God I’m at 51kg.

I’ve been doing my best to approach certain people, be more outgoing. I’m not sure how I feel about it. But I’ve concluded that it’s not the closeness I’m after. I want to prove that I can be a good friend and that I’m trustworthy and reliable. I listen, and I share what I think. Though, people shouldn’t expect more from me than that. As many of you may know, I’m not much of a talker and dislike discussions. It depends, though. You can have a good 6-8 hours conversation with me, which will be a memorable experience. Why? Because we talk about ourselves, our life experiences, choices and some secrets. It’s not often that I have such meaningful conversations.

A group of children (between four and six years of age) was at the bus stop this afternoon. There were about 20 of them with four supervisors. The boys were extremely hyper, whereas most girls were sat next to their female supervisor during their lunch. One little girl in pink and glasses approached me curiously but was too shy to look me in the eye for long. She asked what my name was. I told her and then asked for hers. Next, she wanted to know where I lived. But I don’t think she was listening to me as she walked away. I don’t know why I talked to her. I should have ignored her. The supervisors didn’t notice that she was talking to a stranger. What distinguishes me from those kids is that at that age, I spoke no word. I was a ghost among children. But that girl spoke to me–she saw me. Maybe I should have paid more attention to her?

My dog Jesse had four teeth pulled. He didn’t take the anesthesia too well. When he woke, he was continually puking gooey, viscous blood. Probably blood that he had swallowed during the surgery. We had to take him to the vet at one in the morning. He stayed there overnight. When we got home, his stepbrother Mikey was wondering where he was. He kept running back towards the door to see whether Jesse was there. Something similar happened another time: Mikey came into my room, looked at me and then looked under my bed to see whether Jesse was hiding underneath. I started to cry. Eventually, Mikey realized that Jesse wasn’t home, and he went to sleep in Jesse’s bed. Don’t get me wrong, Mikey is the smarter of the two, very devious if he wants to be, but last night he did miss Jesse.

I failed to save lives yesterday. Well, not really. In fact, I didn’t make an effort. Yes, I save snails from the pathway. I usually pick them up and put them on the lawn. I saw a baby snail with a severely damaged shell yesterday. Usually, I would grab hold of the snail with thumb and forefinger holding the shell, but the baby was impossible to grab; it was too fragile. I let it crawl on a leaf, but that stubborn bastard didn’t want to. I tried to force it by rubbing the leaf under his face, and still, he would do nothing but hide. I was in a hurry, so I gave up on him. Now I feel guilty. I have pictures of karma in my head. It’s weird that in these cases, I feel more drawn to animals than humans.

Still, I’ve been wondering too much about good and bad, right and wrong. I think Immanuel Kant is the only person who knew how to deal with this dilemma.

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