Nostalgia is the only way for me not to forget the way I used to be. I need my reminders to remain warm inside. Your heart does die when you get older. You realize this when you suddenly hate the things you used to love as a kid, things that used to make you overly happy and lively, such as playing in the snow with your sister or riding the bike in the backyard in the summertime. This is not you anymore. Now all of a sudden, you hate the person that you have become. I guess this is just inevitable when you live the life of a human being. Sometimes only those reminders can make you feel slightly better about yourself. This is the main reason I hate kids; I am jealous of them, angry with myself that I wasn’t like them and how I had tried to be like them. It took me a while to realize that it was not possible to change myself. I had other things to do, better things to do. Just like every human being, you have your own labyrinthine territory. Some don’t even bother to look around. How can you? You build it yourself, and you cannot be bothered to search around? I hate lazy people. This might be because I’m not as intelligent as other people. Intelligent people are too lazy to use their brains for inner conflicts; most don’t care. I’ve been investigating this place, and I’m just too dumb to look at the map. I only know where the boundary is between your place and my place. And very often…you are just not welcome. I’m sorry.
I’ve had many hypnic jerks lately. I know it’s a normal thing that happens to people when they fall asleep. The thing with me is that I always seem to notice it. Yes, it’s like falling right down to nowhere, but then you realize you’re actually in bed. I only just watched Castle In The Sky, and the moment Sheeta fell from the airship, I got the creeps. I wonder how I would feel above the clouds. Now I understand people who say to me, “Your head is in the clouds!” The truth is that I do not daydream. I am just exhausted and cannot be bothered listening to you. I’m sorry again.