If semi-narcissism was acknowledged

Thanks to this week in the library, writing up to 4 hours each day has re-improved my attention span. I’m very impressed, I am just impressed with the fact that I seem to be able to recognize this terrible, terrible bird outside my house. It tweets the same old song near my room in the morning and again the same song in the afternoon, but elsewhere in the neighbourhood – what an attention-seeking slag. And I always thought exotic birds were narcissists. Unbelievable.

I just finished reading Imperial Bedrooms and it’s the first book since probably 2007 that has brought back my fluency in English (yes I was sort of reading out loud). Or maybe Clay was speaking through me, I don’t know. All accents have gone, leaving me with a boring, dry Standard English. A couple of words, such as “hungry”, “hurry” or “curry” are still pronounced with a Northern British accent. I can’t help it.
I think I have been very rude to my friends. Those who take it seriously just don’t understand me and never will. I don’t mind them going actually, because I’m no good for them. I’m simply not someone who would give you a ring when feeling bored, but that’s because I NEVER feel bored and I can’t stand people who get uhh, bored! That says a lot about them and their lack of creativity. It’s pathetic and it BORES me. Who are you?! My ex or what?! I have more important things to do than watching YOU being BORED. Ok, there are days where you might feel apathetic and lack of motivation – then fucking go back to bed or even better: Go for a run!

Fuck, when will this take an end? Why, why do I have to repeat myself so often?
I am tired and I lack motivation right now and do you know why? I’ve spent four hours in the library writing and three hours finishing Imperial Bedrooms which I started yesterday evening. Then I went for a 30-minute run and yes, I still feel active, just not in work mode.
And did I mention I’m writing a blog right now?
Certain people just don’t know and I have no clue how to explain it to them without making them feel ostracized or neglected. I’m starting to hate, hate, HATE this guilty conscience that I feel, not just towards my friends, but also towards myself. I can’t just say “Please, understand me, please understand me, but I’m not going to explain.”
My mobile will be off most of the time now and the phone will remain unplugged for as long as I wish. How do you like them apples? I love you still, but I can also hate you if you don’t grant me free space. However, I know you’re not like that. I know you care, and I know you’d support me. Now that’s an understanding friend.
Oh God, sometimes I sound so patronizing and I don’t mean to! You don’t have to forgive me, just take it as it is or overlook it.
Paula likes the truth but lies a lot too.

SHUT UP! Why is everyone around me complaining so much! SHUT UP!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *