PiL was supposed to play in Hamburg today. I’m playing with Johnny’s stuffed shark right now and wonder whether he would have liked it. It’s an angry shark showing teeth – it’s a baby Ludovician about to eat my memory. Go ahead. If memories go, the same feelings remain, and you won’t understand them. It’s similar to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I’ll take the shark with me if I go.
The term heteronomy makes me think. It has the teeth of a shark. If a friend didn’t mention it to me, I wouldn’t have noticed my problem. I tend to do things in favour of other people, no matter whether or not I care about them. I want to draw attention to people that I don’t care about. They have been out of my life for so long, and suddenly they ask to meet up. I’ve already given up on those who used to mean something. Those who have turned their back on me for no reason and those who, after a one-night stand or a kiss, have removed me from their lives.
Why was I hanging on to the friendship even though it was evident that nothing would ever be the same again? What is friendship anyway? It reminds me of Sheldon Cooper searching for an appropriate answer in a children’s book for “What is a friend, and how do I make friends?”
Am I so detached that I have lost connection to people? Or am I picky when it comes to friends that I don’t know how to get rid of? I mean those incredibly persistent ones that use heteronomy to make me feel guilty. Or am I in self-denial?
Fuck! I hate the way you make me feel. I love you for being kind and wanting to catch up–the fact that you’re happy to see me again, and I’m so glad to see you, but I’m fine with that simple hello. Hello is all I’m good for. I can’t take anything more than that. I don’t care about you, but I’m a coward when it comes to saying it to your face because you are a good person.
I guess I always choose to struggle, and I seem to love dilemmas that serve smiley faces for dessert. That ultimately triggers guilty. I’m selfish in my own way. Instead of this filtered friendliness that I seem to be showing to these umm… people, I hardly know kindness, but the heteronomy that you unconsciously apply gives me fucking rashes. I keep scratching so hard until I bleed.
I just blacked-out when choosing my current favourite Depeche Mode song.
No need to wonder whether you’re swimming with the duck or with the shark … because I could feed you all to the shark if I wanted – in my book anyway. I guess now I understand why people hesitate to trust me. I’m a writer. You can trust me, however. No matter if we’re friends or not. Just so you know, the shark’s after me, not you. Please trust me.
I don’t even think my sister trusts me. It makes me feel unworthy of knowing anyone. About three people fully trust me and tell me things in detail; they’re all pen friends. There is something about writing, isn’t there?
I’ve been feeling so wrong in the last three or eight years. Many things are fucked up right now; therefore, I’m confident to say NO. NO, I don’t want to. NO, I ain’t got time. NO, I can’t be bothered.
And YES, keep your secrets and privacy to yourselves, if that makes you feel better.
I won’t ever ask you again.
As if I was ever going to mind-fuck you with heteronomy.