My attempt to sound like Charles Bukowski (letter to Ellen)

“Ellen, oh Ellen,
Now I wonder why on earth am I worthy of drinking beer with the skeletons in your closet. Did I say skeletons? I’m sorry, there is just one – a bad one and he has almost consumed all my beer in the fridge. You can say he is a very demonic fellow, but it’s not me he wants to talk to. So how about, my dear, dear Ellen, to trap him? He knows something about you and he is certain you are dying to find out, but you lack the courage to let him pursue you. Or you might let him pursue you, but you have no interest in paying attention. Why, dear Ellen, why?
I lied; there are actually two demonic skeletons. And you have to invite both in. I have no idea how much space you have in your apartment. You have serious things to chat about and believe me you are strong enough to win this argument. You women are always stronger and shrewder to whip us, men, verbally. I do resent you for having passed this demonic device on to me but on the contrary, I am grateful for your trust even though you talk to me like I am an academic which I am not. Ellen, oh Ellen, I personally take no advantage of having the eyes open, but sometimes you have to be clear about other people’s intentions. There is one skeleton with horns which is going to destroy you if you don’t open your eyes, and the other skeleton with wings which has its arms wide open for you and you refuse to perceive. You have the most exciting threesome, my lady. I felt flattered about your hidden message, but I am no saviour, I don’t even want to save me.
Don’t lose your grip, as I have. A woman should never do worse than I. Don’t let your spirit leave your body during sex. The pain is over.

With all my love,

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