I thought this was the right place. There are so many people, so many busy people. I wanted to get lost among them, as I thought that would be a good way to rediscover myself, except that it doesn’t work like that. Or maybe I have rediscovered myself, but I hate the way it works.
I don’t understand people who continually say that they are bored, especially those who have no damn clue what boredom really is.
I never take sugar in my tea or coffee. I wonder if this is why, in my dreams, people start to shoot each other down. Everyone owns a rifle, and you’re just not safe anymore. I guess this is more a reflection of what I think of this place.
My mind’s been going blank more often, especially when I feel nervous and uncomfortable. I open my mouth, and not a single syllable comes out. Then I feel like running away before I turn red. It’s not embarrassment or shame; it’s more me being angry and wanting to turn over a table.
Does anyone remember what I said about myself two or three months ago? How I felt, how I wished things were? I don’t quite recall anything.
Slap me in the face, and I will need several seconds to register it, and if I care enough, I’ll need a minute before I ask you why you did it. Even in a state like this, I wonder what promises I’d made, who do I still owe a favour? Or who I have a crush on, and how high are my chances?
This numbness is a step away from apathy. I don’t know what to do. Shake me once; I will not respond; shake me twice, I will open my eyes. Shake me thrice, and you will see.
I read ‘Ham on Rye’ again; how he was holding his shit for so many hours till it had turned hard inside, and he didn’t have to release it anymore. It’s similar to the way many people deal with their emotions. Maybe this is why I feel I’m heavy and need to lose weight.