Fear and change

So many people have butt-dialled me, which means there was no intention of calling me. Often, I continue to listen and hear them walk, talk, or laugh. It’s like their phones are telling them that I exist.

What’s more interesting is when I miss the call, and they leave me a four-minute voicemail containing funny noises. The last voicemail sounded like Curtis preparing for his suicide.

Do you remember when I said the William Tell game wasn’t about trust? There’s a hell of a lot of fear involved as opposed to your belief in yourself. And it’s self-belief that scares the shit out of me. Doubt is what we grew up with, and throughout your life, you try to rip out the root of doubt, which is in our conscience.

Fear is not always rational, but it’s there; it’s not something that we can dispel from everyday life. If there’s one thing that I’ve realised, you can tackle fear in association with indifference. It begins with the question “Why?” and “Is the fear really worth it?” I know that we have instincts, too, and we don’t understand them most of the time. Does the animal ever question the inexplicable?

I noticed that the only time you really express fear is in your dreams, which pretty much says it all, right? Fear grabs hold of everything that’s you, i.e., your guilt, flaws, and even your achievements and shake them off-balance. How do you get a grip?

Deconstruction highlights the significance of ‘change,’ no—the inevitability of change. This leads us back to fear, as people fear change, no matter if for the better or worse. Change is a disruption of the clock of consistency—daylight saving. You come to accept change. The fear passes like jetlag. It’s not only your body’s clock that you need to worry about but your sense of perception and how wide you can open your mind. Some people need their whole life to realise what’s meaningful. This will only happen if you let change enter your life.

The only person who is always hungry for change is the artist, who can’t settle. Once he is a victim of a routine like most others, he becomes numb and trapped. This numbness is triggered by dull repetitions and swimming with the current. If he swims the other way, they will call him stupid.

To set himself free (at least for a little while), he shuts the door and sews his mouths shut. That’s when his face changes, and he will no longer be able to hold back or keep that vexatious thought in his head. It’s sore inside his ribcage, and he loves it, for he has come back to life. His vision has transcended into the eyes of illusions, but he prefers to call them inspirations.

I admit that I’m scared of phones because I hate talking on the phone. And if you ring me and keep me in your dark pocket without saying a word, I’ll be even more scared. Seeing a miscall from someone that you used to like, but you haven’t heard from in a year, you get excited about the fact that they called, but it turned out to be a fucking accidental call–Is it sad to say that I listened to that four-minute voicemail until the end? Twice?

Fuck the phone…fuck the phone…I’ve lost coherence, I’m sorry.

What was I talking about? The significance of fear–

Teach yourself indifference, not necessarily apathy (only if you know how to get out easily), but indifference is a good friend to make. He is gentle with scars.

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