Cardiff blues II – Writings from Room 1406

Last night, I had one of the worst nights of sleep in my life. I don’t remember waking up so often in the middle of the night. Usually, it’s to go to the loo, but last night I got out of bed and stood for no reason. I just stood there and wondered what initiated me to do so. Did I dream something?

Also, there was something in bed that gave me a horrendous headache throughout the night. The room was probably full of allergens, the carpet and bed are full of mites, or maybe I didn’t know how to sleep in a king-size bed. I had a similar problem before when I first started sleeping in a double bed. I felt somewhat agoraphobic last night, so I tried to sleep diagonally, but it was awkward for my spine. And sleeping naked in such a huge bed makes a girl vulnerable, especially when having her period during the harvest moon. My hands were continually searching for a weapon underneath the pillow. God, I hate that bed.

I guess I miss my single bed at home. The last time I managed to sleep deeply was at home back in March. I remember the time when I used to sleep till noon, no matter when my bedtime was.

Maybe all I need is my family to pat on my head. I’ve been thinking about them a lot.

I always feel guilty when thinking that way, although I know they are the only people in my life who do not resent me for being who I am. They know that whenever I come back to recharge, I will leave them again; I always leave.  If you did that to a spouse, they would never forgive you. For that reason, I’ll never understand why people decide to settle down. Of course, you want someone to look after you once you’ve grown old, but me? I will not grow old.

I will never grow old.

I shall see what else there is to discover in Cardiff. Today I will have company, a good friend from the time as an undergraduate will join me. It’s Sunday morning; we shall go to church and repent our sins and repeat the things that give us joy.

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