End of July

It’s pretty scary for me typing my only blog of July on the Sony tablet, it certainly doesn’t feel right at all. Either there is a Word Document app or not, but I doubt it.

I am ashamed of the lack of writing and the lack of mindfulness lately. It gets so bad that I forget how to talk properly sometimes. And there is zero attention span left, either.

Anyway, it has been an eventful month, not to mention – summer! Starting with me hitting thirty in the middle of the Stampede season followed by an 8-day holiday in Las Vegas, organised by the most amazing boy on earth.

There have been a lot of surprises lately – positive surprises and I’m sure there are more yet to come since my holiday is just about to start. More significantly, it’s time to use my brain more, get lost and find my way back on my own, as only so I see a point in existing. I still hate relying on people and usually the only way to avoid that is to be alone. Too often I find that I need to keep myself engaged with what everyone else does, which is to be around other people as much as possible and after a certain time I find myself switching off almost instantly. It’s too much for me, there’s too much noise in my head, I just can’t handle it. The contents of conversation are none of my interest, neither is the music that they like. And still I wait; I stay till it’s over. I’ve been way too passive, letting the void surround me with all its intensity. I need to get back into some old habits, I’ve been thinking of renting an office room with a chair and a desk. The thought brings me back to pleasant places where I used to work alone for up to eight hours, for instance, my room in halls of residence.

Right now I feel like I need to take long walks or bicycle rides on my own just to remember how I work and spend as much time as I can in libraries just to re-connect with my head and re-wire it again with my heart – my way of giving birth to fiction.

No products of creativity – no me.

This is the end of the dullest blog ever written.

By the way, I am taking my laptop with me on holiday.

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