End of July

It’s pretty scary for me typing my only blog of July on the Sony tablet; it certainly doesn’t feel right to me. Either there is a Word Document app or not, but I doubt it.

I’m ashamed about how little I’ve written and the lack of mindfulness lately. It gets so bad that I forget how to talk properly sometimes. My attention span is at its lowest.

Anyway, it has been an eventful month, not to mention summer! I hit thirty in the middle of the Stampede season, followed by an eight-day holiday in Las Vegas, organised by the most amazing boy on earth.

There have been many surprises lately – positive surprises, and I’m sure there are more yet to come since my solitary holiday is just about to start. More significantly, it’s time to use my brain more, get lost and find my way back alone, as only so I see a point in existing.

I hate relying on people, and usually, the only way to avoid that is to be alone. I often find that I need to keep myself engaged with what everyone else is doing: be around other people as much as possible, and after a certain time, I find myself switching off almost instantly. It’s like anxiety is creeping up on me. It’s too much to bear; there’s too much noise in my head, and I can’t handle it.

The content of their conversations doesn’t interest me at all; neither does the music that they like. And still, I wait; I stay till it’s over and time to go home. I’ve been way too passive, letting the void surround me with all its intensity. I need to get back into some old habits. I’ve been thinking of renting an office room with a chair and a desk.

The thought brings me back to pleasant places where I used to work alone for up to eight hours. (For instance, my room in halls of residence.)

Right now, I need to take long walks or bike rides on my own to remember how I work and spend as much time as I can in libraries to re-connect with my head and re-wire it again with my heart – my way of giving birth to fiction.

No products of creativity – no me.

This is the end of the dullest blog ever written.

By the way, I’m taking my laptop with me on holiday.

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