Yesterday a friend told me that he was going back to university to study some form of management because he is sick of being bossed around.
Today I’ve been asking myself if there is anything that I could do, too, in order not to be bossed around any longer in whichever industry.
Right now, people around me increase my doubts, which, each time, makes me think I’m better off on my own. I’m working on what I want to become, and I can’t talk to anyone about it, as they’re unaware of how they’re drawing me away from it by highlighting the emptiness evident in reality. It’s like they don’t know you.
Well, I don’t want to be bossed around, either. I myself am no boss. If there is anyone I need, it’s a mentor, just like Keats had his personal mentor. But I’m on my own, which is why it’s taking me so long to become what I want to become. Inside apathy (triggered by lethargy, doubts, etc.) I have my face stuck to the ground. The only thoughts keeping me going are Humbert’s love for Lolita, Bateman’s coat hangers, Chinaski’s awful part-time jobs and Raskolnikov’s guilty conscience.
There is a job where I won’t have a boss, and where I don’t have to be one, either. I will make this a goal.
Speaking of university – I say it a lot, but wouldn’t it be great if you could go to university for the rest of your life? There is always something different that you can study in your field of interest.
I want to take linguistics next so that I can improve my language and grammar. I feel bad for my editor having to correct hundreds of minor mistakes that I never spotted during redrafting. Or let’s say I feel embarrassed because I didn’t know they were grammatical errors.
Back at university, I almost failed my essay on Dorian Gray. Being one of my all-time favourite books, I wasn’t analytical enough for the examiner (not to mention that I am a bad essay writer). This is something I could improve.
I’m grateful for what my friend told me, and I’m happy for him, too. Everyone should do something that gives meaning to his or her life. Only this way, life becomes less absurd. I call it a distraction because the sense of meaninglessness will always be there. We all know it, but we don’t want to see it, so we revolt. There is no other way.