When I was younger, I used to make a lot of mixtapes – for myself and my friends. My friends had the same taste in music, so it was always easy to get along. On the friends-front, I believe that I was very, very lucky. Ever since I turned fifteen, I’d been lucky. I thought my heart would never die. And now Ally’s words keep echoing in my ear. She says that when you grow up, your heart dies. I suppose I’ve been a kid all this time, and I still like to pretend that I am one. I’m scared of this mundanity and the numbness it brings along every morning when I cross the two bridges and the car park. There is autumn trying to impress me with its fading colours, but my gaze is fixed at the sky where the clouds look like they’re in a rush to head north. And I’m falling behind.
I used to make mixtapes on cassettes. On the A-side, I would record about ten to eleven upbeat songs, whereas side B would have a ballad collection. I used to be very subjective when making these tapes because I wanted people to love the music. It helped me to feel understood. If they liked the music, I knew right away that they knew how I felt – how I felt about anything. I was convinced that we’d be friends forever and that I wasn’t alone.
Ten to fifteen years later, I realised that it was naïve. Not the making of mixtapes, but believing that you’re ever understood. My feelings are selfish and always have been, and I used to be better at handling them when I had my false beliefs. Stubborn self-denial, if ignorant enough, can be used as a form of motivation. It doesn’t matter; you make things up. At least I do know a couple of friends who sincerely loved my mixtapes. When thinking about them, I feel less selfish. Even though the mixtapes were made entirely for me, at least for about ninety minutes while the music is running, we understood each other. If only understanding each other’s feelings lasted longer than that.
- Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – “I need you”
- Jimmy Eat World – “My Sundown”
- Amanda Palmer – “The Bed Song”
- Alberta Cross – “Low Man”
- Stereophonics – “Maybe tomorrow”
- Gary Jules – “Mad World”
- Gregory and the Hawk – “A Century is all we need”
- Stone Sour – “Zzyzx Rd.”
- Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross – “What if we could?”
- Nine Inch Nails – “And all that could have been”