When I woke up this morning, the sky was grey. First, it was eerie, as if waking up from a weird dream, which you don’t remember. The sky evoked a past sentiment that I was trying to associate with something. I was glad I woke up early (before 7 a.m.) because I’d set the alarm for the wrong day.
Today I got stressed about finding a free notary in town. Eventually, I found out that the consulate did it for cheaper than any law firm, so I went ahead with it instead of waiting for the bank to call me back and confirm that they do document certifications for free! Whatever.
I almost went crazy (with a panic attack) and could not make small decisions (i.e. whether or not I wanted to go to the library, what time to go to the gym, which tea to drink, etc.).
Everything worked out fine in the end, though. I mailed out an important request on paper to Toronto this afternoon. Apparently, it takes the people of my country up to nine months to determine whether they’re able to grant me dual citizenship. Of course, I’m nervous. My German identity is still something I wanted to examine in greater depth. I discovered the actual me in Great Britain, which was why I ended up living/studying there for so long. But I never denied my home country and my nationality. I am thankful for the many cultures that my identity represents but having to choose between one, and the other is a different question.
My sense of focus is low today. I can tell whenever I have to re-read instructions three to four times. My attention span is low because I haven’t meditated in many months. I wonder if I’m ever going to experience that inexplicable sensation of stillness again. I only vaguely remember what it was like. I met a few people at the meditation camp that would do that ten-day course once a year, but I haven’t been since 2014. You should consider going, because why shouldn’t you (https://www.dhamma.org)? Having a low attention span is no good, as you will become a person that doesn’t complete what you’ve started, and your analytical skills will go down, too. The last time I was in a state like this (triggered by social anxiety and stress), I meditated, and it helped me recover my focus for a while. But obviously, if you don’t do it for at least 20-45min (twice) a day, you will lose it all again. Right now, I don’t think I remember the content of the last book I read, or it simply didn’t speak to me. The last book that moved me was ‘A thousand splendid Suns,’ although the end was dragging on and on.
The holidays are coming soon. Until then, I need to listen more to good music. The key and the melody have to correspond so that it hits the right spot in the brain and chest.
Instead of a colposcopy, the gynaecologist only did a pap test today. What the fuck, I thought to myself. Depending on the results, they said it wasn’t necessary today. As if I had all the time in the world to come back again! I couldn’t really tell if the doc was merely lazy. Why not do the biopsy while you’re already at it!? Does the history of abnormal cells since the early twenties not tell you anything?!
I need to chase the local press about my book’s publication like I do every week. I paid them almost three months ago, and I keep hearing that I am a top priority, but obviously, I am not. I am disappointed; more disappointed about keeping my friends wait. It has been taking so long it’s tedious. Imagine my eleven-year-old baby finally coming out to see the world. Now that everyone is losing interest?
I’m about to fall asleep in the library; it’s tough finding a good spot to yourself, and you have to sanitise the table before you put your stuff on it.
The low iron process (period) is already kicking in. Slowly. We’re already trying not to oversleep, so 6.5 – 7 hours are perfect. I like going to bed tired at night. There have been so many changes in the last month, and more are still to come. Somehow I can’t wait to settle and lean back, but there is a lot to make happen first.
Do you think about your family a lot? Don’t you want to reunite your mother with your grandmother? So all you think about is how to make it happen. It’s time to return the love that your family has given you. I’ve accepted and taken so much already. I need to sacrifice more. For everyone I love.
In fact, the greyness of the sky reminds me of the time at university in London. That’s the past sentiment that I was referring to. It just dawned on me this morning without me realising it (there have been a lot of slow kick-ins lately). The sky would be grey a lot in England. Yes, it rains more there. So today felt and smelt similar to what I was once used to.
I think I’m bored in the prairies. I called Calgary (or Alberta) the Midlands until my boyfriend corrected me. I only came here for the Rockies and the great amount of sunshine. But there is something about the maritime climate that I miss. There was more room to breathe, and you weren’t trapped between countries (here it’d be provinces). I was always near open water; it was only a little over two hours’ drive away. Anyway, I don’t regret Calgary. I tend to get bored of places, or something bad happens that I disassociate and want to go away. Nevertheless, I’m getting tired of moving. I want to stay put somewhere and be content without any worries.
I’m positive that only good things will happen from now. Every day I’m learning. I try to be more altruistic, empathetic and open. I’ve always thought of volunteering one day, and I know that I still will.
Grey skies make me think of dark stuff sometimes – aspects that Saturn would often reflect. Those aspects are related to karma, incarnation, even decision-making and overcoming doubts. They are basically problems that you need to solve, if not, patterns of life that everyone goes through. Grey skies also bring epiphanic (I forgot if that’s a word or not) moments and highlight crucial sentiments. I used to finish a lot of blogs and short stories on grey days. So despite the stress and mishaps today (such as scraping off the skin from the knuckle of my pinkie by trying to keep the door open for a disabled man (and failed)), I am thankful for days like this. But most of all, I appreciate my partner, his patience and support. The panic attack probably would’ve taken place if it hadn’t been him stopping it.
I shall make notes on short stories and how to structure them better. If you haven’t noticed, the last one was underdeveloped, and punctuation needed some attention.
We’re almost in the midst of 2018. You’re not getting any younger, so what productive project have you accomplished so far? Look at the grey skies and see for yourself.