Shall I welcome you or not–it’s up to you. This is an 11-year-old private blog, so you might want to dedicate your time to something more useful. This blog is not for professional purposes.
The name is P-chan: 30s, born in Schleswig-Holstein/Germany and a graduate from Goldsmiths – University of London. I self-published my first fiction novel in 2018; a second one is in process.
My favourite writers are Charles Bukowski, Bret Easton Ellis, Michel Houellebecq and Oscar Wilde. My religion is French philosophy. I don’t believe in God, and yet, I am agnostic. I’m no Buddhist, either, but I believe in Gotama as a person who has found illumination. I respect him and believe in his meditation techniques. I believe in karma because I always feel strong connections to snails, which I save on pathways. One night I stepped on one and cried. If you ask me what I am, I would say ‘individualist’ or ‘absurdist.’ I can be misogynistic thanks to my paediatrician and my friends’ jealous drama queens. You either trust me entirely, or you don’t. I am sociable but not always outgoing. I never take sides and prefer to keep quiet when I have nothing to say. I disagree with many things, but it doesn’t mean I tell everyone, only if I care enough – often I don’t. If you get me to talk 3-6 hours straight, then you have found a place in my heart. I’m not the best in social groups, and I hate being in crowds due to a mild social anxiety disorder.
Most of the time, I feel lonely inside my head. We are not meant to be alone in our heads, but to some of us, that’s all we’ll ever know.
My favourite band is Nine Inch Nails. Favourite singers and songwriters are Tom Waits, Nick Cave and Noel Gallagher. My heroes are John Lydon (who taught me individuality), Trent Reznor (who helped me through anger management) and Charles Bukowski (who, like Lydon, showed me the values of honesty and mental endurance). I tend to treat people the way they deserve to be treated. I believe the only good that exists is goodwill.
I want to think that I have no secrets at all, as I tell too much about myself, and yet people think I’m concealing something. So here I am, revealing my tainted writing – from personal stuff to work-based interviews and essays. Writing is about exposure. There’s nothing I wouldn’t admit – just ask. I write to cope. But do I enjoy writing? I don’t know. If anything, I have no choice. I keep rolling the boulder up the hill like Camus once did. You might want to call it self-therapy. I have a hard time giving up on things.
Why Terrible Lies?
There is no proof whether what I write is undoubtedly true or not. You won’t know, and sometimes I don’t know what I’m ranting about – the words just come out like that. There is hardly any truth in what we say, hear or see anyway. I have given up searching. And before I end up drowning in nihilism, I decided to stay as truthful as possible for my own sake and create meaning and purpose with my imagination and perception. Perhaps others will benefit from it too. In other words: I believe that solipsism can unite us, only in terms of knowing that we exist and that we know ourselves best. I’m afraid I won’t ever really know you, but I’m interested in what you want.
Telling the truth means a lot to me. The more the truth hurts, the more you need to say it. I think that is the only truth that prevails upon us. (But please don’t break your mother’s heart.) So why not use this opportunity to be offensive? John Lydon says, “The truth is the most offensive thing in the world.” You don’t upset people by doing so; you are helping them by challenging them. Seriously, how boring would you be otherwise?
You can lie as much as you want when you create a story that helps to reflect: Writing lies that reveal the truth about you and anyone you love and despise.
Fiction is escapism, as Graham Greene would say. And, at the same time, you’re not escaping from yourself; you are facing your (dark) inner faculties in your writing. If you can’t do it, then what are you doing?
My blog has different categories. The Blog category is a journal based on life, but you might not be interested in my view on things. Some people can’t handle it. The Fiction category has some short stories (literary, meta, science fiction, horror) and some novel extracts. Oh, and there is a Poetry page too, which is my least favourite. I have a few poems about life and existentialism. In Non-fiction, you will find some of my work as a music copywriter (2008-2011), including several audio interviews with punk, rock and heavy metal bands, i.e., The Black Dahlia Murder, As I lay Dying, and Alkaline Trio.
Feel free to drop me a line and leave me some comments. Thank you.
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