The hamster wheel

The head feels twice as big and you refuse to take painkillers.

Still, I ran a little around 6 miles today in 75min, same for tomorrow. Never did I care about the distance, but about time and now I care about where I could have run. If someone tells me the road is open, I picture a vast space that leads to anywhere and yet it seems like I prefer to spin my hamster wheel behind closed doors.

I like to envision myself in the midst of daylight with a clear head, but the rod cells in my eyes are more dominant than the cone cells, therefore during the day, my perception is halfway paralyzed sometimes. This is becoming more and more obvious these days.

Two days of having the mouth shut, I can’t think of anything more soothing and safe, no white lies and other filtered talks where I feel the heaviness of the mask, which is pulling me down, and its itch-inducing substances that are irritating my skin. I’ve been feeling itchy lately. It’s so hard to keep the skin all right.

What they perceive is the opposite of me, no matter how hard I try to present the truth.

There are people, you tell them things you don’t want to tell and of course they throw it back at you with criticisms that you have already applied on yourself, so there is no need to hear it spoken by others. Here’s the art of keeping your mouth shut.

After so many years I watched The Crow again, my favourite fictional love story encompassing a justified reason for retribution. It makes me want to work harder on getting my feelings back, but I don’t want to lose indifference as a friend. You’ll never know what might happen, you know.

For now, the window is open and the road is clear.

I’ve been running faster and faster in the hamster wheel. The faster you run the more likely you’re going to break it. Never will it occur to me that I only have to step off and go outside. It’s not that easy. I have to break it.

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