Over a month ago, I told my close friends something I was going to do, and they all stood by me and agreed it was for the better. I have always been firm with my decisions and would do everything I deemed right. But I failed to stay firm. The same applies to last year when I attempted the same thing and had already failed.
Rather than feeling that I failed myself, it’s more like I failed my friends. I instantly regretted telling them anything and realised that I should have just invested in a goddamn therapist. Surrounded by shame and guilt, I avoided some friends for a while. Although they accepted my decision, they said something that bothered me. A lot. And it just signalled that they didn’t know me all that well. Overall, I had stupid reasons for not remaining “firm” as I had planned. That said, it was much easier as a young adult just to pack and leave.
So, my friends thought I was afraid of being alone, unknowing that being alone is all I really need to be who I am.
But when you’re with someone, it’s all about compromising and adapting to a routine that simply ends up driving you crazy and taking away all your mental and physical energy. Plus, there are other significant problems on top of that; problems that you create as a couple because someone didn’t think in advance. So during these hard times, you find yourself doing everything to ensure they are OK, and suddenly, they become so dependent on you that they just can’t live without you. Instead of walking away, doing your own thing to remain sane and healthy, you stay. Whether they manipulated you to do so or not, it doesn’t matter. I decided to stay. Again.
…because I’m afraid of letting them down. There’s also a fear of committing any further. There’s an irony here too. All I wanted in my life was for guys to commit to me. I wanted to experience true, unconditional love and all that jazz until the constant lack of compatibility had me so numbed out that when someone finally committed, I backed off. Why? It matters how they make me feel about myself. It matters what they need me to do for them. I’m talking about compromises here and how they can destroy you. Then, there is also the way how you communicate with each other or how you must communicate with each other.
People are not themselves during the honeymoon phase; they also lie (to themselves?) without realising until they have a piece of the cake. And then the true colour comes to shine, and you learn that you need to put in effort in order to co-exist. Fuck that. That’s especially true when you find out you two are completely different people with different goals. How stupid would you call me if, in the last (almost) 14 years, that’s all I ever experienced? Pretty stupid. Du nimmst jemand, der einfach so angetanzt kommt.
I make stupid, impulsive decisions—you might want to say that instead. I can handle that. But I’ve sworn to myself that if I were ever to act this way again, it will not involve a fucking person. The drama that’s involved is so exhausting it will have you age faster. Just a tip.
You probably don’t believe in the stars, and neither do I, but I did. I remember something about my life consisting of endless delays. Strangely enough, that’s all I’ve ever known.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a late bloomer or not, but making wrong decisions in your 30s is absolutely fatal.
Friends can reflect how selfish you are, bless them. Protect them from you.