Humbert (Take 2)

I love that book. Nabokov knew.

I didn’t know kids have sex until I first arrived in England in 2002. The twelve or thirteen-year-old school kids would have sex in the restrooms. The girls would use tons of make-up before they even turn 14. I was shocked, but not in a conservative way. It was just because, in Germany, the kids don’t usually get their first kiss until they’re 15 or 16 (from what I’ve experienced). That was the moment I started to despise the British youth. It could have been envy; I don’t know. But also jealousy because my ex felt attracted to those kids that would hang around at concerts back then. He must’ve had the same mentality as they did. He lost his virginity at thirteen. Or it was a way for him to escape his actual mentality.

I still can’t believe I used to feel bad about myself. I’d felt like an old outsider, so I started dressing like a teenage”mosher” myself. For a while, I even identified myself with them, but I never really fit in there. My indifference came to a lot later.

The German youth didn’t become like the British one until around 2005 or 2006–that was when I first noticed twelve-year-olds were starting to look like 15-year-olds. Maybe the kids have always been that way, and it used to be an underground movement. And only now are they brave enough to show themselves on the surface. Or maybe I sound conservative. Didn’t I just call it a movement?

I think I’d been a child up till I was 15. My teenage years began when I was 16 and ended when I was about 22. “Spätentwickler” is the German term for “late bloomer.” I sometimes wonder where my youth has gone.

Burn, you youth of today, burn.

I’m jealous that you’re young and in love. It took me a while to realize I couldn’t be like you.

Masturbation mit 11, erster Kuss mit 16, Sex im Alter von 18 ½ und Marihuana mit 23.

And you still call me impatient. But ok, Buk used to say that life is about waiting – nothing but waiting. At the age of 11, 12, 13, 14, I had only spent my precious time writing – fucking writing over twenty attempted novels! That was a valuable time in my life. And then Johnny Rotten came along.

Nabokov knew. How much I hate what Humbert does, he actually convincingly defends himself. He is the victim; you are supposed to think that way because Nabokov says so. I feel sorry for Humbert (What an excellent way for Humbert to deflect his self-pity!). I don’t know what to say about Lo. And before I start writing biased stuff, I’d rather not say anything at all. (But shit, she reminds me of Ellen, except that Ellen has more heart.) Humbert didn’t do anything. Why would a pedophile even CARE about being a parent (even in a possessive way)?

Youth is evil.

I hope this is the last time I ever speak about the rotten youth.

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