Letter to A.F.

Hi from ___. I hope you had a good birthday, although birthdays seem to lose meaning year after year. There might even be a day one day where we will all forget about our birthdays. But at least you have those triple chocolate fudge cakes in ___.

 

To be honest, my heart is not pining for any place, really. In the end, it just doesn’t really matter where I am; certain feelings don’t change. At least ___ brings some familiarity. We had a good time in ___ for over ___ months. Or let’s say I liked the idea of staying put somewhere, not work too much and join the gym.

 

I worked part-time at a ___ and saved some cash (although not much). There was also this pressure from the ___ government, which wanted us back ASAP. The deadline was the end of June, which sucked because it gave us no time to ___ and stay put elsewhere to work. Obviously, I wanted to see different places other than ___. I was going to head to ___ on my own, but ___ decided to quit his ___ and come with me as well. He loves ___ and really wanted to show me ___. However, when we got there, we really struggled to find a short-term job, mainly because we didn’t want to lie to employers and say that we were only there for 6-7 weeks. It was so competitive. Apply for a job at the supermarket and expect to be competing with 500 other applicants!

At that time, we had already booked our flights back to ___ for ___ (via ___) from ___. In the end, we stayed in ___ for only three weeks. We were two weeks in when I had proposed that we should leave ___ early. There was no point in staying and wasting money on accommodation when we have no job. I wasn’t enjoying myself because there was this constant pressure on the ___ and job front. ___ why not go back to ___ now?

When we left, I was ___ to return and finish my work & holiday, as my ___ is still valid until ___, which means, if we return to ___ early, I will be able to return to ___ early and hopefully find a job for ___.

But…I might have changed my mind…Things are very uncertain at the moment. I mean, yes, _______

 

You see, he is the main reason why I think I should stay and not return to ___, although I’d like to…If we have our own ___, I feel like I should contribute and ___ him (and myself) financially, especially if we ___. Here’s me trying to help and not be selfish. I mean, the only reason ___ headed to ___ with me was to show me things, and with us going to __ was the same: show me things and see his friends and ___ and play ___. If we hadn’t met, I’m sure he ___, which is his dream place. He still ___ about it a lot, about wanting to go ___. It makes me feel ___ every time. And maybe, MAYBE I’m just trying to feel “better” about it by choosing to ___ here in ___. Besides, it’s all ___ that I now got ___ residency. Alone it wouldn’t ___. My Master’s degree didn’t give me ___. Can you imagine how useless I feel ___?

Moreover, we are not ___. I find that ___ is not as understanding ___. And ___ doesn’t really ___; we seem to ___. I might not have been the most ___ person ___this is because I know myself. Do you want to get me out of my ___ zone? Fine, OK, I’ll give it a go, but if I don’t like it, I’d like to go back, please. And ___ I have to stay out of my ___ zone for QUITE SOME TIME, up to a point where things fall ___. Not that I am not trying, you know. I AM. One example: ___. I’ve never done that before, so I tried. Put those fucking ___ on and ___, through which you breathe, ___. I figured that it was very uncomfortable ___. Also, once when I was in the ___, I realized that I was scared of being in the ___…like, terrified, although the ___ was clean and clear. I just couldn’t ___ my face under and ___ through that fucking ___, and I had troubles using the ___. ___ had been patient, but ___ didn’t realize how scared I actually was and ___. All I can do is ___, but that wasn’t ___. You were supposed to see ___. In the end, I got back on the ___ and cried.

Another example is perhaps ___. Although ___ continuously saying ___ goes over the top, depending on how ___ feels. But I’ve already told ___. ___

 

It wasn’t until recently that I noticed how much ___. How much we are ___. I’d grown accustomed to it in ___.

Now you see why I feel like going back to ___, but ___. I could do with a ___; I guess we both need ___. But also, I’m not sure how ___. I like going to ___ he hasn’t ___. Perhaps it makes me feel like I’m ___, which I know is stupid…

Looking at the last three pages, I presume that I am not that ___, or I am simply ___, or I don’t know how ___. The whole ___ has kind of drained ___ and ___ me. I haven’t had ___

and haven’t been feeling ___ in the things that I usually do. I’d like to NOT ___ for a while and just do my work. But he ___ around him. I don’t.

I ___ dearly, and I know the feeling is ___, but I don’t know what to ___. ___ is supposed to be a fresh ___. We are even looking at ___. But I am not sure how much space ___ without starting to ___ antisocial.

 

Did I tell you that my former ___ is editing my ___? ___ charging me ___ words. The ___ currently has about ___, which means I will pay ___ in the end or more if ___ complications require more ___. ___ is doing it as cheap as ___ already. ___ is not just ___ it but also goes into greater ___, analyzing the ___, checking ___ characters, etc. I am very grateful for ___ doing it for me. ___ is viewing the ___ from a perspective I haven’t ___. ___ is highlighting ___ and passages that don’t make sense. I also didn’t realize how bad my English was and how ___ I sound most of the time. So while going through ___, I seem to be learning a lot, too, which is ___. We’ve had a break since late ___. ___ is going to resume ___ next week, which is good because ___. Looking forward to ___. Not sure if I manage to ___ it online this year. My mate is still working on a ___ for me, ha. It’s hard to describe that I want something ___ and ___ and yet, subtle. I think ___ is getting there; I just need to make it clearer to him, somehow.

 

I never felt drawn to ___ anyway; it was supposed to be a quick ___ to which I could ___. Even though the ___ there is way better and the ___ much fresher and healthier, I don’t want to ___ there. But unfortunately, we left just when ___. ___ loves escaping winter. We’ve done two ___ in a row, and I can’t tell you how ___. I’ve had ___ months of ___. Everyone I meet in the world seems to be ___ lovers, and whenever I mention that I love ___, they think I’m ___. I do long hanging around with ___ people, sick of being ___ by the things I like.

 

He’s constantly worried about ___, etc. I tend not ___. It’s funny, isn’t it? I get quite optimistic about ___, while ___ would worry like ____. I tend to worry about ___ things to which ___ would shake ___ head. ________

 

I know I’m doing myself no ___ here.

I was a ___ to ___ with, because the heat ___. We must’ve got to a point where ___. I did have a good time ___.

 

I don’t think we’ll ever ___. ___ keeps talking about ____. I think we could do ___, but I said if we go to the ___, he can drop me off at the bottom of ___ or ___, and I can take care of ___. I want to head to ___ from there one day. You see how different ___? We even applied for the ___ for the ___ and joked about where we’d want to ___ if we ever ___. I spoke of ___ or ___, and the idea ___ instantly put off ___. I guess we could agree on ___. New ___ would be interesting, too. For now, I wouldn’t mind staying put in ___ and perhaps even buy an ___, because they’re currently ___ cheap due to ___.

 

The truth is I don’t really know what the conclusion ___. I never intended ___. I’m more interested in ___, ___ or ___, just as you said, but we could’ve never ___ it. It’s always about fucking ___; I hate it.

 

But I think you and I both would be more drawn to cultures that ___, where ___. I went through a condition called “___ effluvium,” as described by the ___. I’d been losing ___ for MONTHS that I thought I’d be ___. The ___, climate, ___ must have had such a ___ on me ___ and physically that my ___.

Anyway, speaking of travel journalism, I have thought about it before, but I don’t have many ___ to write about ___, I think I’d struggle to be ___. You have to be ___ to write a piece of travel ___. I don’t know might be different going to places that you’re actually ___.

I see more strength in my ___ writing than in my blog, for instance. It’s like I’m simply ___, whereas, in a story, I can ___ and link it with whatever scenario I am writing about.

I’m happy being ___, although I can’t live in ___ anymore. ___ noticed that I get quite patriotic about my ___. I love it; it’s one of my ___ in the world because I have lots of good ___ about it, but I don’t see myself ___. _______

 

 

It does scare me when you say that you see ___ of me when I portray my ___. ___, but not as extreme. I could leave certain bits and pieces ___, whereas ___ couldn’t.

___ dwells a lot in ___ – I don’t. ___ holds on to grudges – I don’t. I wouldn’t ever want to be ___ no matter how much I love ___. We both get ___ easily, that’s true, but I will find ways to facilitate my ___ by ___, doing yoga or ___. ___ would do nothing. The only thing to calm ___ now is to sell the goddamn ___ and buy a ___ and probably settle things with ___. They are in very ___, worse than ever. I know it even though I am not there. I think my ___ has lost all ___ in life. He’s working himself ___, too. My ___ hates ___ and yet ___ still looks after ___. Money is ruining ___ with my ___ and with my ___; moreover, it’s making me feel ___. The way ___ envies ___ well-off friends, I envy my well-off ___, too. ___ making their parents proud. And here I am ___ ___.

Though I’m still focused, you know. I’m concentrating on the only thing that I can do, which is write ___. I’m ripping my ___ off for my ___. Paying my ___, because I still have faith in that ___. I can’t make money happen, but I can make my ___ happen if I keep trying. ___

 

When I say, I want space, and ___ misunderstands and thinks I want ___. I admit that I was much more ___ and outgoing when I first came to ___ and ___ really liked that about me. But the old ME had caught up. Years ago, I wrote a blog on ___ about the top 3 or 4 things that I wanted to achieve ___: first, ___ a ___ or two (or three or four), second, with that ___ ___ my parents a new ___ and third become a ___. There might’ve been something else, but the top two definitely still stand. And only just recently I made up my mind to finally ___. I’m usually fine when I’m ___ and ___ to my favourite music. It’s something that keeps me sane.

 

I keep hearing how unhealthy a relationship is ___ with others or have ___. I mean, we do. But I don’t need to ___. I figured that compromising is not that ___. How do you think you would cope if you were ___? When you first fell ___, despite knowing how different ___? And then…things ___. It’s something I’ve always ___. And I really don’t know ___. ___

 

Postmodernism is all over the place now. Things will always get re-invented. You will have stories repeating themselves over and over but done differently and originally. And good writers do make it happen. Story, plot, characters, empathy, dialogue, etc. – they all have to be spot on. And the Walking Dead did have that at the beginning. Writers were good at building suspense. Cliffhangers were good, too. The last season’s last episode got a lot of shit from fans and viewers, while I thought the cinematography was brilliant. Here’s what I would say that everyone has a different taste. Or they watch series for different reasons. Some don’t even know what’s going on; they simply watch it because it has become such a hype that you simply have to follow it. I personally find TWD goes too much into character depth sometimes, even characters that interest me the least, but it’s like reading certain parts of a book, and there’s nothing wrong with scene-setting with some background check. Here’s why the makers put so much significance into empathy. You simply LOVE certain characters like Daryl or Glen. It’s as if they have become a friend of yours. It’s amazing if you can create characters that others idolize and empathize with.

 

But as you said, yes, we need distractions, and we often find these in ___, passion and whatnot. I like fictional characters with whom we can empathise because they make you feel less alone, and they ensure that you’re not crazy. As long as the character’s intentions are well justified (like Dexter’s), you love them even more. I remember reading American Psycho, where I empathised with Patrick Bateman, probably one of the most unlikeable fictional characters in history. The way he chopped women up with an axe or a chainsaw gave me some sort of satisfaction. It helped me deal with my anger. I imagined that I was doing it, or I imagined that he was killing all the people I hated. I felt SO good. And the reason why Bateman did it was to FEEL something. He doesn’t appear to be a psychopath to me. He adapts to a society that he hates–a society where people are obsessed with capitalism and consumerism. He was feeling fucking lonely!!! Do you think anyone understands? 

 

Even if people care about each other doesn’t mean that you’re not alone. What strikes me is that I hardly have ___ people around me or people that ___ me and have the ear to ___. My family – being the most important thing in my life – ___. They don’t ___ me at all. Do you think they care about my ___? Or they understand why I’m ___? Yeah, I have permanent ___ in ___ – hundreds and thousands of people are dreaming of it. My ___ is overly happy for me and doesn’t understand why I’m ___. Well, let’s put it this way. I am dependent ___ with regards to this. I didn’t manage it on ___, and I wouldn’t have. If anything, I delayed ___ because of ___. Seriously, I think I’m just full of ___ here, making me wish ___. Perhaps ___ would be in ___ teaching ___ now instead.

 

Sorry, the ___ trip continues. ___actually just had a ___ (I don’t remember the last time I ___). In fact, ___ clear to me now that the remaining ___

___of course, I’ve been feeling guilty about ___, but, as you can imagine, I feel even worse now, so bad that I don’t want to ___. However, it’s clearer to me now why ___

 

___unrequited love for real? I don’t know. I literally have no idea what’s ___. I’m just listening to music and feel slightly better, calmer. I’m always better with music that helps ___ my head. Speaking of coping mechanisms – art (music, ___, …) has always helped me; this is what life is about, am I right? Create and enjoy art? Yes, the alternative is hard to face. ___ makes me face it all the time, and in the end, I’m the one that is non-stop miserable and gets ___ for it. Why is everyone ___ me, my friend? I just want to write and listen to music? I’m still aware of my responsibilities, but can’t I just dream and be positive that way? Why do they think I’m not positive? Making that dream happen is not easy, but I’m working on it? Why am I not positive?

Of course you and I “care” as___, why do you even put that into question? We care, some care more than others, but we still care…

I envy you for not ___ a ___ sometimes, be it ___ or the woman that collapsed. It’s hard work to care, too. I envied Patrick Bateman because he made me wonder what it’s like to have no emotions. I’m not saying that ___. If you are in love, you are fully in love, and that part of you signals life and everything beautiful that comes with it. ___there is a fear that the fire will go out one day. My fire never goes out, though, unless theirs does first. You didn’t love that woman that ___; she was just a ___ subject of everything you didn’t care about, like the woman that collapsed or ___.

 

I feel empty, pointless as well, but I don’t want to; I really don’t want to. There will probably be a day where I will be certain that it’s ok to ___, but it’s definitely not the time now…In ___, I heard that death lasts for the whole life, and it will only stop once it enters…but it’s not time, yet.

Do you always make sense ___? You are ___ to without being ___ for who I am. Sometimes I wish I was ___, so I won’t get judged for how __ _. Being constantly exposed to so many ___ is a nightmare to me. There is so much pressure.

Yeah, you are lost; we all are. Without wanting to sound too much of an existentialist, it’s up to us to pave the way and walk it. Despite my ___, ___ or whatever you want to call it, I have hope for now. I don’t know how long for, though.

 

I should stop here now, ___. I am not gonna go through ___. I just can’t do it right now. There might be ___ and such. And sorry ___ too much. I didn’t mean to. I ___ very ___. I don’t have any ___ who ___.

 

I hope you don’t mind me ___ for ___. It’s that I can’t talk ___ about ___, and whenever ___I often go blank. I gotta work out what I ___. First, I have to ___. I need more ___.

Lots of love to you. Xxx