≈2007 – When I started on anti-depressants
I can’t help but think of some friends out there that are lonely.
Happy, exciting pictures don’t actually say anything, especially if it’s in a selfie-style. That used to be a thing in 2003. I remember that well. It started with MySpace and all, but then the ten- to fourteen-year-olds began taking it over.
And later, Justin Timberlake did us a favour by buying MySpace, and it was no longer about selfies and fake profiles.
Speaking of which, I created a fake profile, too, once, because I was trying to remove my stalking ex from my life. I created an imaginary friend from Iowa – a fellow NIN fan by using a piece of NIN-related artwork as a default picture. There was so much you could do on MySpace. It might’ve worked a little bit, I was actually expecting hate mail going to that fake account, but luckily that never happened.
But back to selfies, people don’t really do that anymore, at least not excessively. What makes my friends’ selfies stand out is that they are by themselves. Their smiles feel like they’re 50% for real. I don’t know where the other 50% is. They look older, too. About thirteen to fifteen years ago, we used to take group pictures. There used to be a photographer that wasn’t on the picture but other ones. This is how things used to be and should be.
Don’t take selfies alone when you’re travelling. At least get someone to take a picture of you while you’re admiring a tree or want to capture the background of where you are.
The era of selfies started pretty much fifteen-plus years ago. Now, if you look back, don’t you think it’s pretty sad? I feel sad when looking at mine. It’s the same with how smartphones started to dominate our lives. Pathetic, and you wonder what will come next?
I’ve got to admit that I’ve become a shitty friend in the last few years. I used to value every single friend I had because I never had until my late adolescence years. However, as a loner and late-bloomer, I had the time to get to know myself better, so that was fine. I’d learned to live with myself, be productive and creative when alone. I wasn’t shutting anyone out because there was no one. My family was busy with other stuff, which was fine. That gave me space. So when the Internet began to take over communication, I made virtual friends through my favourite bands’ message boards and, later, social media.
No one will ever understand the great value it had brought to me. The only time I played outside was with my sister. I didn’t belong to a clique until I was fifteen or sixteen. And that only lasted a year or so.
Twenty years went by, and life has officially taken over – so much that I don’t even remember what it means to be productive anymore. I mean productive for my mind and my own personal creativity. Yes, when you were younger, it was so much easier to use your imagination and exploit your creativity, as there was nothing you needed to take care of except for your mind. Now you bought your own car and borrowed money from the bank and not from your parents.
You’ve learned more about responsibility than ever. When young, they were talking about how your heart of passion dies when you grow up. You forget what you love to do, you forget who you once were, and you forget your friends. The truth is that everyone you love needs attention like I should call my mother today. (I didn’t realize that it’s been two months.) Sending each other voice messages doesn’t really count. It’s required for you to prioritize. But you’ve never been good at prioritizing.
A friend puts up a selfie with a new look and smile. I didn’t even need to guess that your relationship has come to an end; I just knew. It’s a way to tell people that you are ok. I realized the other day how I had been unconsciously reading selfie faces – selfies with just one face.
Either you have everything to be thankful for, or you are a solitary nomad showing people at which wonder of the world you are. All they need is a famous sight and a smile on your face, but what the fuck does that even say about how you feel? I give all the love I have to my other half and my family. And sometimes, I want to squeeze out some more love to give to you so that you’re not lonely.
A lot of people don’t know how to utilize loneliness. I swear that I will write a little book about it one day and you will see it. One of the key points is that nobody will ever understand you the way you do, and you have to be aware of it and live with it. That’s the biggest type of loneliness you’ll ever have to tackle and accept. Yeah, you meet tons of people, but how many of them are you going to see again? You can’t have them follow you and settle with you. Most of all, you can’t take care of them all.
I probably still don’t understand the nature of having friends. Everyone is different and has a different relationship with friends. I can do years of not talking to a friend and remain friends while other people see their friends every other week. But what happens when life kicks in? And what do you do when a friend of yours keeps posting 50% happy selfies of themselves?
I think it’s time to reach out more often.
