No more words of the past and no more regrets to pull you back. Forever buried in oblivion, keep the unconscious free. Was the experiment a failure or a success? I’m not sure. But this is a new page. There’s no time for suffocating lies and misleading illusions. Eyes wide open and ears sharp. Talk when necessary, and touch when it does no harm. I’ve spent too much time in bed, writhing and staring holes in the dark. Then I realised that getting attached is dangerous. It brings you to the verge of self-destruction, then the destruction of the world around you. When getting close to somebody, you are scared and confused at the same time.
Sometimes your body needs some frenzy, and you take risks. Sometimes you do it for adventure, but most likely, it’s for the experience. It includes plenty of naivety, which means that your head isn’t clear, whereas your heart is brimming with excitement, titillation and other things. You tend to ignore the apprehension, which is NOT ok because your head is trying to communicate with you.
I’ve learned something here. I have proved my foolishness to myself, but I’m not going to warn anyone. Aren’t people designed to make mistakes? Sometimes the same one twice? Words are no use here; it’s the event itself that counts. Once you’ve felt it yourself, you will know what I mean. You can’t stop people from doing something they will regret. They won’t listen; they are audacious when young. You can only talk about naivety and inexperience with the wise and old and laugh. They will understand you to some degree. But nobody must understand you fully. I mean, you don’t want to give yourself away, do you? A Kafkaesque mind is what you need. Then, no one will ever destroy you. I hope it makes sense to you because you shouldn’t make sense at all. The incomprehensible mind is your army, and you use it to defend yourself. Despite my honesty, I do have barriers in my head. My army is watching out.
You may find confessions and self-pity in my last blog post. There’s no point in explaining too much. I tried to keep excess feelings to myself. Anyone that approaches you wants to either help you or destroy you. Unfortunately, you can’t always tell at first sight what they want. Often they want to inflict their pain on you, and you become a part of their misery. Their cry for help makes you want to help. If you fail to help, you’ll feel useless, and the world around you begins to fall apart. It’s the anguish of the mind.
You can say you’ve done your best. These aren’t the words of a pessimist; these are my words. You should always do your best. Enroll in a university and become a better-educated person. But some people would give up before trying. They’re a waste of my time.
“Trying” should be more natural nowadays. People don’t realise that trying is hope. It’s the reason to live. You may mourn when you fail because you didn’t get what you deserve. Elsewhere they will give you another chance. These aren’t the words of an optimist; these are my words. People who inflict their pain on you are no good. You might help them stand back on their feet, but that’s the most you’ll ever have to do. They need to learn to shovel their own shit.
I will carry on trying until I’m sick of living. Once you have achieved all your goals, you may retreat, and that is when trying will have come to its end. Hopefully, you’ll be happy with no regrets by then. But one day, all those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Nobody will remember you or even know about you. So your job is trying to change the situation as best as you can. Why do we remember James Dean, Goethe and Dali? I think this is quite obvious. Self-fulfillment is the word. If your only aspiration is to get married and have kids, then do it and leave me alone.
I might have a totally different view on life, but like all ambitious people, I’m simply rolling a rock up the hill, and I’m ready to run anyone over who wants to thwart me. I’ve made too many stops on this journey, and I refuse to admit that those were necessary stops. Now I will only stop to ask for the way or water. Anything else like seductive eyes and gentle hands will attempt to lead me astray.
In fact, I’m exhausted and scared to continue this journey. But there’ll be a fresh new start this autumn. In the meantime, I will prepare myself—no more foolish games. Trustworthy people are those who don’t take you for granted.
