The right language

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I don’t even know where to start. I’m a little tired, but I sleep nine hours straight as soon as I’m asleep. Other people are astonished when I tell them I go to bed between five and six a.m. The reason for this is that my personal time of peace starts at one a.m. But being alone for four to five hours is not enough. Time goes faster during the night than during the day, especially when you have a creative streak going. Every time I look at the clock, an hour has passed already, and I feel pressured. You really shouldn’t go to bed later than six in the morning. Why am I looking for a full-time job? My body will have to adapt to a new sleeping routine. I need money, who doesn’t? Sure, I would change this routine a salary. Why do I care if it’s unhealthy? Some people work the nightshift, which is worse.

I hate encountering a person every second, no matter if it’s someone that walks past you or drives past. They always look at you, even though you don’t know each other.

The phone has rung twice today. That’s another nuisance. I hate ringtones, even if you choose your favourite songs.

I don’t want to go to the doctor’s office again. He doesn’t understand a thing about me. I was referred to a female doctor, but I do have misogynistic views regarding German female doctors.

The phone is ringing again. I’m not picking up. Why do they want to meet with me? Have a coffee with me? Walking around town with? Especially on a nice summer’s day? I want to be alone.

Usually, I agree to meet because I feel I owe them some time. Sometimes I call back to arrange a meeting, even though I want to be alone. There are few exceptions because there are only a few people who mean something to me.

I think the doctor would describe me as a schizoid who will become someone/something bad in the future. That’s not true. Humans need closeness; humans need space. And sometimes you need one thing more than the other.

I’m selfish because I’m not ready to help others with this messed-up head. I haven’t accomplished anything yet.

Many people are afraid of being alone, afraid that no one will be there for you when you need them the most. In such cases, I feel no fear. And I won’t feel anything like that in the next ten to fifteen years. I will be way too busy. I don’t even have the time to write to some people. There are moments where people are can’t be alone, and they start to cry. This is where they would call up a friend or go to them. I last did this at 19. I called up my former friend Danny when my ex broke up with me on the phone over some comment that I made.

I am lighting a cigarette to go for a walk. Some people want to be alone during a walk. I don’t like people who expect me to talk much.

Sure, I need some human connection, particularly now, as my heart is open and ready to trust again. But it’s picky and only falls in love with those who are confident and know who they are. I’d love to meet someone that can touch and cleanse my heart. It might be too hard of a job.

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