Addressed to u

I have an announcement to make. I’ve concluded that I need to set myself free for a while from pressure, digital communication and social media.

I don’t like how negative things have become in my life, and I hate how I treat people I love. I need more time with my head. So, I’m going to stop talking to you for a while. I’d rather walk away before you say I pity myself. I hate self-pity. I’m glad that most of you never knew the “me” from eight, nine years ago.

Do you think my blog is the product of self-pity? They are observations, secret revelations and prejudiced opinions – all honestly displayed. (At least what I wrote from 2007 onwards.) I don’t pity myself in public anymore. Moreover, you don’t have to be here.

I went for a long walk today. It has been a nice, sunny autumn day with yellow and brown leaves dead on the ground. I like watching them fall; it’s like a terrible chapter has just ended. You live with the consequences throughout the winter, where you will think about what you have done. You’ll take new chances in the spring. It’s a melancholic thought, really, but it keeps my mind going.

There was a lot of pressure at work yesterday. I didn’t lose my temper at work until I got home–I lost it all. I tried not to speak to my mother, but she insisted on talking to me, and I couldn’t stand it. I don’t even want to think about the way I talked to her. The last thing she said was that the entire family is scared of me.

Today she said nothing to me.

I constantly talk about isolation, which is impossible, especially now that I have two jobs, staying afloat, keeping me busy. Customers are arseholes, especially when they accuse you of stealing their money. It’s worse when you see the murderous expression on their face before you even scan their items. It puts pressure on me because I get nervous about doing something wrong. And in their opinion, I did do something wrong. A customer was supposed to pay EUR 38,89. That stupid old bag handed one 20Euro note and three 10Euro notes to me. I looked at the money, counted it and typed in 50Euro, which was correct. I acted out of intuition, nothing else. BUT the money was more or less still in his hands, and THAT WAS when I realised that he gave me a tenner too much. I thought it was just a misunderstanding, but do you know what he thought? That fucker thought I was trying to mess around with him, that I was going to keep that extra tenner for myself, even though it was still in his goddamn hands. I was indignant and denied his accusation, but he wouldn’t believe me.

That ruined my day. It hurts me to know when people think that I am that bad of a person. That situation escalated.

My colleagues often leave me alone at the till for hours. Even if it’s already time for me to finish, they will take their time before taking over. For instance, when I finish at 9 p.m., they’ll take over at quarter past nine, which leaves me ten minutes to cash up. What sucked about it? My bus would leave at 9:29 p.m. I easily get under time pressure. I’m not flexible when it comes to time. A bus doesn’t wait for you.

Now you might say that I should do something about it and stand up for myself and say something to them. That’s the reason why people take me for granted because I don’t say anything. I know I will lose my mind one day if I keep doing that. But in situations like these…do you know what I really really think? I think that these people aren’t worth my time; they aren’t worth anything. So why the hell should I talk to them about anything?

Do you remember my last “break” was sometime in April? I neither logged in on Myspace nor Facebook for over a week. This time it’ll be much longer.

I want to finish reading “The Catcher in the Rye.” It’s a tragedy that a 200-page book takes me two weeks to read!

In the next few days, I will respond to all your emails, and I’d appreciate it if you took your time to let it sink in. I have to be honest: I hate finding emails sent to me 3-4 months ago. That’s when I start to wonder why it took me so fucking long to reply, and I feel bad about it. I don’t want to make excuses anymore.

I get guilty conscience all the time, even when I shouldn’t. I used to have 15 pen friends. Yes, I wrote them hand-written letters. I responded to every single letter. And then, time after time, one by one, gave up on me. Are pen friends worth keeping? I don’t think so.

Today, I appreciate my digital friends, especially those I’ve been in touch with for over five years. You know who you are. I want to thank you for making an effort.

I don’t feel like talking much, I don’t feel like giving you updates on my life, and I don’t want to bother you with my problems. I don’t mean it in a bad way.

I wish I could avoid everyone for a while, but how often have I fucking said that already? It’s not going to happen.

I will keep my blogs up, and I will tweet, even though I hate Twitter. (Do you think I’m a hypocrite? Maybe. But you gotta know that I don’t talk to anyone in my blog; I talk to my blog.) These will be the only updates…probably till the end of the year or the beginning of next.

I’ll be fine for some texts, so feel lucky if you have my number 🙂

So long then,

P-chan.

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