Dear Diary,
I’ve reached this point again. It’s similar to the one in April, if not worse. When I started my new job, I stepped into a downward spiral. Yes, despite the relief that I’m finally making enough money to pay for my fucking health insurance. Though, since the new job, my social anxiety worsened. My German has gone bad, or I panic when talking in public. I have a calm demeanour, but if only you knew what’s going on inside.
It hurts. This calm that I’m showing isn’t good; it’s destroying me, making me ill. I don’t know what to do about it. I already wondered why the hell am I so calm? If I continue like this, something drastic will happen. If I don’t hurt other people, will I hurt myself?
I can’t express myself and in public. Why is everyone scrutinizing me? I’ve become more irrational than ever. Sometimes I don’t get why I do what I love doing. I hate what I do and everyone around me, especially those who want to exploit me. How much more do I have to give? Can you give me something back? How often do they even think about me?
This is why I don’t care anymore, even if they disappeared forever. (This does not refer to my mum, dad and sister.) I have a lump in my throat again and wish I could throw up in everyone’s shoes.
It’s disheartening when you find out that the ones you trusted aren’t trustworthy. Besides, they never trusted you in the first place.
I had to catch up on some sleep last night and slept for eleven hours. That was good, but the worst was waking up to a delirious head and numbness in my chest. I didn’t want to go to work.
Yesterday I had to do my first cash-up, and it was the first morning that I had to open the shop on my own. I was literally sitting there for OVER an hour counting the money in the safe. And no, I can’t count. Trust me; I can’t. I was never able to count. 100Euro was missing in the safe.
How do I feel? How would you feel if your boss thinks that you might have stolen the money? She didn’t say anything and acted out the same old way. Still, I knew that she thinks that it is a possibility that I stole the money because I’m weird and hard to read. Almost everybody thinks that about me. I hate that job because it’s forcing me to suppress myself and everything that I feel.
I never came across as determined and confident, and it’s even worse now with my anxieties. Everybody knows that I don’t look into the person’s eyes when I talk to them unless I trust them. I could be telling the truth for all they care. I’d rather speak to the wall or a pair of shoes.
All those bloody people… What the fuck do they want from me, and why do they make me feel shit inside?
No one has made me laugh recently, and I’ve lost trust and faith in some people. I don’t care, as they don’t seem to care either. I’m tired of being kind. Why do I tell them so much anyway?
I noticed that I could lie to them. But should I become a liar? A Holden Caulfield kind of liar? Yes.
God, I feel numb. I don’t want to know how often I’ve written the word “feel” or “I” in this blog post. I can’t help it. I smoked three cigarettes in a row yesterday, it was supposed to be only two, but the day wouldn’t go away. And I know I did mention wanting to quit by the end of the year. We’ll see.
Autumn seems to be over. What a shame. I haven’t had the chance to enjoy its beauty.
I consider some people close, but they don’t know anything about me. They think I am who I act. They never even tried to see what’s underneath. They are probably not interested. Some people are smart and would say this silly phrase to me, “Still waters run deep.” They know there’s something about me, but they wouldn’t ask.
I’m fatigued. Since the start of the job, my mind has gone haywire. My immune system is probably suffering, and the fruits won’t always help.
That was a nice cry just now. I feel better yet exhausted, and my head is aching.
I hate the way my hair looks and the way people treat me.
You might say I need a therapist. But I need a mentor.
This year was like a rollercoaster going backwards. Ten million miles back. At least I weigh 110lbs now, but it doesn’t make me any happier.
