I’m a loser for posting old stories and pretend they are new. I’m finding it hard to reconnect with my former writing persona. I’m in no writer’s block; I just realized that I used to express myself in English better. So whatever I write seems to lack the quality that I once had. If it weren’t for work, I would be reading every single day. Three to four books a week like I used to. I need to print out this Stephen King quote and pin it to the wall.
I have no money to visit Dublin since Ryanair has cancelled its cheap flights for the summer. Now I’m looking for a hotel room in a quiet German city. Any suggestions?
I need to go away for a while with my head and learn to sleep with lights off again. I was thinking of Lübeck, but I’m not sure yet. I wonder what the beach is like in April.
I had social anxiety when I entered the waiting room of my doctor’s office. Also, when waiting for a friend at the Hamburger train station. It happens often happens when I have to wait in a crowded area. I don’t wear eye-catching clothes, but still, people stare, and I get nervous.
There’s something not right at the core of my…of my…you know what. Whenever a person infuriates me, I take a deep breath, count to five and exhale. Then I feel better and worse at the same time. This has been going on for months now, and I’m beginning to understand the violence in my dreams. I have recently seen many warning signs in my dreams, but I can never remember what’s written on them. They were written with blood, so uhm, I guess it’s nothing pleasant. Am I close to starting a massacre? Or close to breaking someone’s nose and knee caps? Don’t be ludicrous.
This might only happen if I come across this person again. I feel uncomfortable because, in German, we say, “Man sieht sich zweimal im Leben,” meaning you’ll meet the same person twice in your life. It hit me like Sisyphus’ rock! The first time you meet, you get to know each other and experience things together. The second time is usually post-trauma. And God, how much I know better. So many nights, I wake up burning up and gasping for air—my body dehydrated.
I’m sick of my bosses telling me how beautifully calm I am in every situation as if I was a power monk. Sometimes, it’s better to let those people believe what they want to believe. Why change it if they think highly of you? It’s not like they’ve done anything to you.
I never asked the boy out, by the way. I don’t think it would have been right. I won’t regret it either.
Do you know what’s funny? If the boyfriend finds out that his girlfriend cheats on him, he will beat up the other man. But if the girlfriend finds out that her boyfriend cheats on her, she’ll beat up her boyfriend. The man doesn’t let intruders enter his territory, and the woman feels that her territory isn’t good enough. It sounds like it’s always the man’s fault. I’m so tired of this; I’ve felt the same for almost four years.
If you have lived all your life with low self-esteem, you seriously don’t need a person that makes you feel less worthy than you already do. But this has nothing to do with your gender. Some men were women in their past lives, and women were men. We’re quite even.
I’m getting sick of my blog posts again. And I’m too lazy and busy to answer your emails at the moment. I need to concentrate on my four life goals. The path is long, and I feel old already, especially with this inflamed kidney and irritable bowel.
Kiss me, goodnight.
I haven’t been kissed in a year. Fifth and still counting until it feels right.
I only just noticed that they had all been goodnight kisses. However, I’d never slept well after.
