Windless fields of Auschwitz

I was nervous when I sent out the application form. I’d decided to send it via registered mail to ensure it would reach the employer’s hands. It is what I want, but I’m not sure if it’s for the better.

Some of my actions make me think I’m selfish. It won’t make you feel better to help others when knowing that you can’t help yourself. It’s depressing. They seem so grateful for what you do; they think you have a big heart, but deep inside, you’re sad that they don’t know you. You try to explain to them. I help because if you saw a person in the dirt, you would feel bad if you walked away. But what is good anyway?

I avoid older people, yet I still hold the door open for them. I forgive an elderly conservative who comes up to me at work and asks, “Do you speak well German?” That is because I know he is too old to change, to change his point of view. Another elderly, but still very down to earth (I could tell by the earnestness in his eyes), had ordered some edition of “MEIN KAMPF” from our online catalogue and bought it in our store. My hands froze when I touched that book. It took me back to the windless fields of Auschwitz, where there were no birds. I remember the two Japanese tourists who took pictures while standing next to the ovens, smiling.

This is not necessarily macabre or disrespectful or inhuman or whatever you would say. This is simply a reflection of us. Whatever disgusts us, this is who we are because we make it happen. Many of us are just too weak and naïve to see it, even me sometimes.

Bret Easton Ellis cheered about J. D. Salinger’s death. The truth is: would Salinger even care about it? No, he wouldn’t. I have no sense of sympathy anymore, but I still play along because everyone I love expects it.

My broken heart, relentless emotions and deceiving head games don’t matter; I’m forced to play along. So I set goals (there are four right now) to give my life a purpose. It’s nature’s gift, and I appreciate it. Those goals will keep me busy for the next 15 years or so. Apathy is a vital tool if you know how to use it. I use it in combination with numbness.

On my previous birthday, I realized something: your biggest fears as a teenager are coming true, starting now. This is the reason why you hate children and teenagers because you are envious. And you shake your head to the elderly because they are who they are – dim-witted.

The kids are bored again, and you are too tired to support them this time around. Did you say young foreigners were attacking people and your town? All you do is blame families and schools. How about blaming all people for heating the world, as heat takes over our bodies’ core, which ultimately means that we are uncontrollably angry just like the world itself?

We are mad because nothing is changing for the better. So, conservatives are scared of changes because they fear that the changes will lead us towards our downfall. Hence, they lie to maintain whatever balance they think is there.

I love Rorschach not because he is an extreme right-wing but because he is honest, more honest than me, John Lydon and Alceste. And he even accepts the fact that people turn their backs on him. But I’m scared.

Be happy with what you see on the surface, whereas I will always look beneath the lines, whether you like it or not.

We don’t need to talk about it.

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