Today was a mess. All those grey clouds knew this beforehand.
I’m tired of being generous, pretending that I like you (shut my mouth). If I have to decide whether to meet up with you or stay home to read a book, I will obviously go for the book (step on my face).
I have nothing to talk about, no updates, nor do I have the ear to hear about your reruns. It’s all the same, and I’m starting to believe that the circle is somewhat shrinking. I get to hear and see the same things repeating more often than usual (ears bleed). My mistake is that I’ve been playing along, and I guess I will continue until it’s time for me to look the other way. You won’t notice a difference. Many virgins are scared, and once they’ve overcome their fear, you are non-existent to them. When they think about you three years later, you won’t even remember their names (piss against my ear).
Some bastard stage-dived and almost broke my nose. He broke something else, though, my favourite necklace I’ve been wearing for over three years without taking it off. I found the pendant, which is the most important. What would I do without my most precious question mark (fill my mouth will glass)? One day, I won’t be part of a sweaty crowd. It won’t be us against them, but it’ll be you against me.
I’m looking forward to that. It doesn’t matter whose side you are on; we are all in the same boat. We all have the same intentions, but sometimes one person wants to stand alone and delve into his own ideologies without peers. Say what you want; maybe I really don’t know how to have fun (fuck me hard).
Why, why does he tell me now that he has a girlfriend? What has this to do with anything that we are talking about? Are you trying to tell me that I messed up my chances with you? What does it matter now (burn my love)?
I should have just been a good daughter and gone with my ma to pick up the new car. She wanted me to come with her, and I refused to, as I pretended to be busy. The truth was I couldn’t sort my head out (fistfuck). I had to get ready for the gig. My urge to get things done is almost OCD. You feel discomposure and long for inner peace, yet impatience rules your head.
Can I afford another hotel room in June? I want to go to Ingolstadt. I have to promise myself that I will not ask for wifi. No internet ever again on holiday. The phone will be off; it usually is anyway. Do I look like I can be bothered (kicking shins)?
I’m currently in love with Joe Hisaishi’s Ghibli music; the songs seem to open every single knot whenever I hear them. They give me strength when I can’t hold on any longer (hold me now).
There’s a feeling that I hate to the core. It’s when you feel butterflies in your tummy, and you know it’s no good – not for you or the person you have butterflies for. Therefore, I know how my friend feels when having an affair with a married man who’s too coward to divorce the spouse whom they love no more. You continuously tell the friend what’s best to do, and you keep repeating yourself until you realize they aren’t listening. The best you can do for them is to let them fall on their face (see if I care). I’m tired of watching clichés, playing Domino and complaining about you. Why do you think I don’t want to email you? I have nothing to tell you right now. Besides, I’m bored from watching you alienate yourself (get a grip).
The only friend who seems to have her future sorted and cautiously planned is A. She has invited me to her wedding. The thought of it gives me anxiety. I didn’t even go to my cousin’s because of my anxiety. I can’t take the environment and being in the middle of a crowd that I don’t know and spend over ten hours with them, faking smiles. A. won’t have time for me, as everyone would be around her (fuck what am I doin’). Selfish, but true. I agreed to come, knowing that I will be spending (wasting) time in a hall filled with an exhilaration that I can’t relate to. Selfish, but true.
The security man at my workplace told me that he had done a 3-year apprenticeship as a plumber. He then realized that he didn’t like it, now he started a new apprenticeship as a security guard and suddenly, a year later, doesn’t like it either. “I don’t know what I want,” he said with lucid honesty. I liked that, but it was a turn-off (yer boner went soft). Lastly, he said he might go into retail. I’m sure he was kidding. There are way too many of those lost millennials. Some know what they want but are incredibly blinded by society. I can’t stand watching people set roots in this place.
This new decade is driving me crazy already (to die to sleep).
(Without a word.)
