Stagnation – your shithole

I’ve been having recurring dreams of being in the shopping mall with no proper intention of buying anything, and yet I’m looking for something in particular. Now and then, I would stop at an off-license to pick up a bottle of water, but I wouldn’t drink it, knowing I will be heading to the loo after that, and public toilets in my dreams have no doors. (Apparently, that means that I lack privacy in real life. I haven’t dreamed of loos in a while, though.)

Back in the shopping mall, I can’t find what I want, although I know that what I want is somewhere there. While looking around, I get very frustrated, especially if I want to get to the next level (the department store), where I have to climb up the wall, as they have no lift or escalator. Some levels aren’t even accessible, and I get very irritated in my dreams. Apply it to real life, and you’ll understand.

Shopping malls and strangers are the main products in my dreams. The representation of obstacles is most vivid, aren’t they? Especially when certain paths are too steep or under construction. It’s because you’re still working on them! You wake up thinking, “Fuck! Thanks for the fucking reminder…!”

I’ve been working too slowly recently, and time seems to catch up a lot quicker these days. I’m still sucking the autumnal breeze, enjoying the cold air in the afternoon sun. Nothing feels more beautiful than that, except for maybe a longing hug from someone or a cigarette during a night walk in the cold. I’ve been feeling a lot more drawn to the physical lately, while anything deeply internal has lost a bit of significance. This is good in the sense of feeling more light-headed these days. You only focus on what’s important. Anything else is not worth your time.

I know what’s important, and I’m so fucking hungry for it that I would even crush your bones and skull if you got in my way.

Even if everything turned out to be not worth the effort, I would continue for the sake of continuation because what else is there to do? Stagnate in your own shit. But hey, even shit helps in growing and developing.

Stagnation comes to light when you have no plan of developing yourself, and you merely flow with the current. It’s easy, and it would never occur to you that it would be wrong because the majority is flowing with you.

You might not like the idea, but what are you actually doing about it? You’re boring the hell out of me, and I am a coward for not being able to tell you in the face. Have a baby, and forget about everything.

Why did she do this?

Why is he not thinking further?

After a while, dreams will grow wings, and they will abandon you. Because. Your aspirations are for shit. Your outlook on life is boring.

Luckily this disease (apathy, lethargy) is not contagious, just unbelievably annoying.

Play the saviour, and you will notice how easily you’ll lose interest. You will experience a little bit of guilt, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Help your friends, you think. There is no point if they don’t want your help. The way out of apathy starts with a decision, and I can’t even navigate them towards it – what kind of friend am I?

Throughout my life, I never wanted attention. It only just dawned on me that all I ever wanted would require attention. I also didn’t realise that it would feel so good.


My decisions come daily.  And all that for a good reason.

The same reason as Thoreau’s.

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