The vampyre of time and memory

Time and memory don’t ever digest in mind; it’s only perception that filters and cleanses them when ready.

I can’t help but remember specific details clearly. It’s not that my mind sees what it wants to see. Once it sees the truth, I feel like death – a state of mind that you won’t ever forget. Unfortunately, if your mind sees the truth, it will register it as a moment of revelation. Up till now, I have not accepted one bit of this truth. Every night it makes me want to kill in my dreams.

I’ve realised that the men I want have a special someone in their life…and it’s not me.

I didn’t cry to my priest on the phone today. And I have to do my best not to cry to my fairytale godfather next week. I have secrets to confess.

I’ve made a choice. To entirely depend on self-reliance. People do that when they’re scared of falling backwards into no one’s arms. Yes, it’s a defence mechanism that depicts the fear of disappointments – self-explanatory. There is so much more to it, and none of it is worth a footnote.

Basically, you escape from your vulnerabilities rather than work on them.

How come our minds tend to build places for illusions anyway? Like illusions of love? Aren’t they just high hopes that we fail to implement into our lives? And once aware that they’re merely illusions, we begin to mourn over what could have been? Why? We should have known from the start. And yet we continue to chase because we’re certain of something that we won’t ever find out?

I’m tired. I am tired and almost overdosed on rescue drops that put me in a state of calm, like the moment two hours after a joint. This is when you feel most conscious and alone. A sense of tranquillity surrounds you on the outside, which, sadly, fails to spread its way through your mind.

No drug will ever cleanse the mind, no matter how deep in your blood. Plus, I’m far from accepting. There are many questions that I won’t ever ask. Time and memory need to die.

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