There is a little too much change now, and during this course, I lost my relationship with people.
I’m trying to keep my head above water, but the rest of my body feels numb and weak. I push so hard at the gym, but I don’t quite know what for anymore. At work, I work too fast, like my head is on speed. Yet, I need to pay more attention to detail.
My skin feels dry. Something tells me to slow down. The truth is that I’ve been working on slowing (things) down all my life. I want the worst part of the day to be over so that I can focus on the beautiful and fun things – just like typing these words and search through my head and focus on my breathing.
And that’s to make sure that I’m still here. That’s what slowing down means to me. The sad thing is that I don’t remember the last time I did
something meaningful and creative. It feels like that part of my life is over, and all that’s left is a weekly routine in which making money to get by has become my priority and purpose. This is the saddest thing ever, and I’m not surprised that my immune system is letting me down.
I still can’t think of the last creative thing that I have done… When I lost my relationship with people, I was aware that it was not their fault or mine. It just took me a while to see the big picture. I need to re-connect with myself and make sure I remember why I’m here. That’s all. And because I didn’t have space and time to focus on myself, depression began to seep through the surface and made everyone around me miserable.
Of course, I had to do something, and it involved big decisions. It takes so much courage that I hate it. Before making decisions, you’d try to fix things because there is always hope. But it won’t work if the other party shows no sign of hope.
The right thing, for now, is to stay away from people. Catching up over a coffee once or twice a month used to be great when I was living in London. I’d hang around with that friend for about six hours and chat about all sorts of things. We never needed alcohol or parties for that. (A joint or two used to be nice, though.) After seeing them, you feel inspired and grateful because that friend has shown you a different perspective on life.
But I don’t really have friends like that anymore. These people have become very rare. Yet, people have changed, and so have I. For now, I choose to be alone. I would love to rebuild my relationships with people, but I wouldn’t know how at the moment. In the meantime, I look forward to reconnecting with my fictional characters, my imagination and make sure this life is still worth it.
That’s what you do not to feel lonely. I have never felt lonely. Not since fiction. And music. That’s what creative people need.