I used to make lots of mixtapes for myself and my friends when I was younger. It started with cassettes and then burning on CDs.
Many of my friends had the same taste in music, so it was easy to get along. I believe that I was lucky throughout my adolescence. Ever since I turned fifteen, I’d been lucky. I thought my heart would never die. And now Ally’s words keep echoing in my ear. She says that when you grow up, your heart dies. I suppose I’ve been a kid all this time, and I still like to pretend that I am one. I’m scared of mundanity and the numbness it brings every time I cross the two bridges and the car park in the morning. There is autumn trying to impress me with its fading colours, but my gaze is fixed at the sky, where the clouds look like they’re in a rush to head north.
And I’m falling behind.
I had a pattern when I made mixtapes on cassettes. On the A-side, I would record about ten to eleven upbeat songs, whereas side B would have a ballad collection. I used to be very subjective when making these tapes because I wanted people to love the music. It helped me to feel understood. If they liked the music, I knew right away that they knew how I felt. It was very subjective of me. You’ll never know if they liked it out of politeness. But I was convinced that we’d be friends forever and that I wasn’t alone.
If you think about it, it was naïve. Not the making of mixtapes, but believing that people will ever fully understand you. My feelings can be selfish, and I used to be better at handling them when I had my false beliefs. Stubborn self-denial, if ignorant enough, can be used as a form of motivation. It doesn’t matter; you make things up. At least I do know a couple of friends who sincerely loved my mixtapes. When thinking about them, I feel less selfish, even though I made the mixtapes entirely for me. At least for about ninety minutes while the music is going, we understood each other. It’s like being together at a concert.
If only understanding each other’s feelings lasted longer than that.
Mixtape:
Side B:
- Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – “I need you”
- Jimmy Eat World – “My Sundown”
- Amanda Palmer – “The Bed Song”
- Alberta Cross – “Low Man”
- Stereophonics – “Maybe tomorrow”
- Gary Jules – “Mad World”
- Gregory and the Hawk – “A Century is all we need”
- Stone Sour – “Zzyzx Rd.”
- Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross – “What if we could?”
- Nine Inch Nails – “And all that could have been”
Side A:?
