Do you remember my blog post from January last year called ‘Three Years’? I was going back in time, and only now do I realise that it’s time to move forward and think ahead. I want to work towards something good, whatever it will be three years from now.
Calgary has served me well for the most part, or at least it has until now. And dear me, I thought this was the place for me to settle! I want to listen to my mum and start thinking of buying a property and stay put. The notion of settling down has always been a daunting one. I was unable to do it in Germany and England, no matter how much fun I had. And usually, it’s an unsuccessful relationship, an unfulfilling job or general disillusionment that triggers this hunger for change and longing for escape. But the older you get, the more scared and exhausted you become, as you’re overwhelmed by all the events that have happened so far in your life. And I’ve always wondered why anyone would ever get scared of new adventures. I didn’t realise until later that this is how your experiences shape you – both the good and bad ones. And often, the bad ones leave a traumatic imprint in your life, and although you’ve learnt from it, you’re still nervous it will happen again. This is not how things should be. Being scared. Shitless.
You’ll always develop some form of fear to protect yourself. You expect the past to repeat itself. It only takes one wrong step. And it’s easy to take that wrong step. Happiness is so hard to maintain, while sadness is not. And before you get disappointed again, why not tell yourself that happiness is not meant for you? I was like this for a while, unknowingly.
But I’ve always embraced changes, huge ones, such as moving to a new country on my own.
I first moved to England at the age of 18, excited, because I was in love with Britpop and the English language. I had zero expectations, which contributed to the excitement and absence of fear. I never got homesick, either. Homesick only occurs if you’re not enjoying yourself. England was a big contributor to mental scars, however. Relationship problems and work stress had caused my first panic attacks since childhood. As a kid, I had trouble breathing, but I never knew what a panic attack was until I was in my early twenties. I remember going to the doctor’s saying that I thought I had asthma.
The first time when I returned to England for my MA degree, I was nervous, and my cousin even offered to join me for a weekend to keep me company. Adjustments are always tough at the beginning.
After three years by myself in London, I realised that it just wasn’t the place for me, and I needed a change (again).
Before I moved on to my next destination (Calgary, Alberta), I trusted my instincts, highlighted by Travel Alberta’s advertisement in the London Underground. It depicted two people snowboarding in the Rockies. I am not a winter sports lover, so not the snowboarders grabbed my attention, but the words “Rockies” and “Remember to breathe.” I’d suffered a great number of panic attacks in London, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I had been holding my breath unconsciously when looking at the poster. There was me influenced by a piece of an ad. And today, the company I work for makes bloody name tags for Travel Alberta. But you know what, this is not how I had my future in mind.
However, I made a choice. And that was to make Calgary my home (then).
But in the last couple of years, the road of uncertainties had me disillusioned. Despite all the effort, I had no idea where I was going, and yet, I’d grown so accustomed to what I had that I didn’t want things to change, but I knew that destiny was nudging me, hinting that I had to make a choice. Destiny will always force you to make the right decision. You have options, but only one is right. Neither your heart nor your head knows the right decision. It’s the gut, and it’s connected to destiny and your instincts. Does it make sense to you? You can be passive and indifferent as fuck, but if something like a realisation hits you hard – you feel it in your guts first. It’s a light-bulb moment.
Being a Saturn Retrograde child, you have to be patient, although you’re not. Its karmic energies don’t always come easy and fast. Your life is about waiting and putting a lot of effort into what you want to achieve – something like twenty-nine years. It takes Saturn this long to orbit the sun – so it will take you just as long to achieve your goals. The striving for success requires endless hard work and time. Not everyone is that lucky.
I thought finding love wasn’t for me until now. I didn’t realise that I had to be found instead. Good things happen to you when you least expect them.
I can’t say that making friends is easy; it has never been for me.
“They come in and out of our lives, like busboys in a restaurant.”
I first realised that when I was a teenager hanging out in my clique. Things changed when I switched school and when I left the country. I’ve always moved from one place to the next, so what can I expect?
It got to a point where I was telling myself that I didn’t need friends. I’d almost done a whole decade without any, except that I had close virtual friends (and I mean it). Hanging out with friends too much can also be very draining, and I get easily overwhelmed and anxious (socially) if I don’t get enough space. I’ve also never been a good shoulder to cry on, which is one reason why I get scared of people that try to get too close.
And now, for the first time, I believe that I am someone’s best friend, and they are mine. Your life partner isn’t someone that comes in and out of your life! They stay for good because they are 100% certain about you. It’s you over anything. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? –Yes.
And it’s not usually you that sees the connection first, but they do. You are too blind because you need guidance for everything you do. And here it is.
Three years from now – I don’t know where we will be and what we will be doing, except that we will still be going strong.