It’s a good time to cross my fingers for a fiction-writing position. At least that way, I can still use my imagination and share it with people who can learn from it. I spent most of my job application time on that task assessment the other day. Even if the target audience is kids, I can at least be me. I’ve written many stories about traumatized children. Still, I can also write stories where I teach them to stay strong and not become traumatized–in other words, not suppress their emotions.
There are many fiction projects on my list, such as my second novel. With 60 percent of it written, I’m unsure if I can complete the other 40 percent by late spring. Perhaps Elizabeth can edit for me again. I’ve learned a lot since 2015; therefore, she won’t have a hard time editing this time. Besides, this will be shorter than my first novel. Marketing strategy is something I’ll have to work on, and I hope I’m going in the right direction with my brand building. With the lack of experience, it’s taking me twice as much time; it’s tiresome. Day and night, I think of viral triggers, building consistency and networking. Then, I forget to meditate. The groundhog days are unbearable if your mind and body have nothing to look forward to.
My living situation is not great; I don’t think anyone’s is. I’m doing my best, though. Since I started meditating every day, I’ve noticed remarkable changes. Not only am I thinking clearer, but I’ve also become more confident in expressing myself. I’ve overcome a nasty fear that had held me back from combatting obstacles. I always thought that how I felt was wrong and that I was the one who needed to change for everyone. It took too long for me to figure out that I had to change for nobody but myself. Next was to find the strength and clarity to do so. I’m still working on convincing myself that fear is irrational. Everyone is afraid of confrontation, but what’s the worst that can happen other than losing a fight? At least you gained some clarity.
Sometimes I wish my parents were psychologists and had raised my sister and me with better communication. I wish we’d faced and clarified all the silent treatments and stopped them from bottling up. But we’re talking about the Chinese mentality here. Overcoming that mentality in the Western world wasn’t easy when you were already going through an identity crisis.
There are not enough clinical psychologists in Hong Kong, not to mention counselling services, which is a huge problem. I don’t even want to know how my ancestors had suffered through the century. All they did was pass on their sufferings to the next generation like they’ve learned nothing from Buddha. I still think they believe in Buddha for the wrong reasons. It’ll take me years to bring clarity upon all this mess, given that I’m not mess-free either.
I haven’t enjoyed many movies lately. I’d start one, and within the first fifteen minutes, I can tell the end along with a detailed synopsis of the conflict and what the climax will be. What has become of storytelling? Some people are good at placing the cliffhanger at the right spot, but even then, you can’t help but jump to the end of the story just to have it over with. Movies have become a guessing game.
I try not to write this way, even if my target audience is children.