Goals in my control

Your karma is supposed to run over someone else’s dogma, but I think I’ve repeatedly run over my own. And that’s a stupid thing to do. I shall call it self-denial and lack of self-belief.

 

When I think of my goals and what they were ten years ago, I honestly don’t know what goals are in my control now. I thought I had a grip, but apparently, I don’t. The only way not to lose my mind is writing and reading like I always have in a comfortable space—and my music. Meditate better and overdose on CBD. But if someone puts pressure on you about things for which you’re not ready, you can’t help but fall apart, especially if they continuously try to convince you what’s best.

 

I’m sorry if my idea of baby steps is different. When talking about the future, my head can only accommodate so much. The future used to be the only thing I ever thought of until I realised that I needed to focus more on the present. And I think I’m doing well. Therefore, the worst you can do to me is throw future talks at me and what our new monthly expenses will be.

 

Sure, it’s a tough time for everyone, but I’m trying to take control and not be on the same boat as them. Don’t dare compare us to people with different circumstances and invalidate my feelings that way.

 

The best for me now—right this moment—would be to fly home, but that’s not going to happen.

 

I was never good with compromises unless it’s team building in a firm. Compromising as a duo is a different story.

 

It never sounds like one step at a time.

 

 

Almost six years ago, I was in Southeast Asia going through a series of culture shocks where I blamed my lack of openness in an unfamiliar environment. What did you expect from a little germaphobe princess? I kept encountering things that made me think that I wasn’t a good person, considering how I had made my travel companion feel.

 

Self-blame was something that would eat me up until a friend recently told me that it was ALL down to compatibility. When you’re aware of your right and wrong, and you cope and work fine when alone, the rest is about being compatible with someone.

I’ve learned from compromises that they make us weak to the degree that we start to feel guilty and hate ourselves because we can’t accommodate each other’s differences. It’s very disturbing for the mind and emotionally too.

 

Then, all we do is try to remain sane and focus on mutual goals, if there are any.

 

Working out at a gym and hot yoga studios are out of the question during the current circumstances. So, I must try harder.

 

I’m a routine person. If I lack control, it’s because I have no healthy routine for my mind and body. Yet, I can’t stress enough how easygoing I am—so easygoing that it pisses certain people off because I come across as unable to make decisions, which is bullshit. Why would you even view it like that? Just accept that I’m easygoing and care LITTLE about making decisions for trivial things (i.e., what to eat for dinner).

 

If you want complicated, I will offer it to you. In my own way.

 

 

My second novel reminds me of who I was, the things I learned and probably won’t ever learn. We’ll see. It’s now that I see why people were secretive towards me in the past. After all, I wrote about them, and I’ll be exposing them under different names.

 

Mess with a writer, and the writer will retaliate on paper. Only the writer has control over the story.

 

I suppose my second novel is in my control.

 

I will run over your fucking dogma.

One Reply to “Goals in my control”

  1. Hello Paula,

    Good one, I can relate to this just too well.

    All my best and greetings from home

    Karsten

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