A caller’s kindness

I’m a terrible friend. Do you know when you are a terrible friend? It’s when you view “friendship” as “business” and not something that comes from the heart. I need to explain this before being judged unless you have already judged me.

I’ve been under a lot of pressure. Not logging in to Myspace and Facebook is not enough if you need to clear your head. Of course, I have non-virtual friends as well. Friends that call you even though they know you hate talking on the phone. Whenever my phone rings, I roll my eyes. If I’m busy (or at least think that I’m busy), I don’t answer it. Some tend to leave a message, but I don’t call back immediately if it’s not important. Now, this is where it starts:

If I don’t call back for about a week, I begin to feel “guilty,” and I hate it. Some friends expect me to call back. They take it personally otherwise, which puts pressure on me. I already find it tiring to meet up with a friend twice a week. I’ve changed a lot. Either that or it’s my anxieties. Wouldn’t it be easier to tell them all about it? Maybe.

When I was 15, I met up with friends several times a week, and I liked it. High school times are over, though. (I made my first friends at 15, if you remember. Those were different times.) Now, I’m going backwards and inward. I don’t enjoy conversations where I disagree with the person, and I can’t be bothered to expressing my opinions. I don’t have as many like-minded people around me anymore. They are all different yet interesting.

I’m forcing myself to hang in there…to call people before they start thinking that I don’t give a shit. It’s such a natural thing for them to pick up the phone and give you a ring.

My alone time keeps getting delayed; I can’t recharge. Today I thought I should make those phone calls to have them over with, so my friends don’t feel forgotten. People need assurance. It almost feels like a complicated relationship. I tried making those calls, but none of my friends were available.

I think I used to be an arsehole of a man in my past life. This explains why I can’t multi-task and dress elegantly like a lady. I might’ve been a chauvinist who broke women’s hearts. I’m paying for it in this life.

FYI, I still haven’t finished reading “The catcher in the rye.” When I get a free minute, I’d rather relax.

My mind’s a mess this week.

In terms of viewing friendship like a business, I’m almost fully booked this week thanks to work, except on Friday. Friday is my only day off this week, and I’m NOT willing to give it away to anyone, not even to a friend who needs help with her work. Am I a terrible friend when I say I don’t care about her project? No, I’m not. Because she EXPECTS me to travel to the city to see her, it costs me time; it costs me money. She’s not the most appreciative of friends either.

Yeah, sure, I travel everywhere for everyone! If you need my help, can’t YOU make an effort to come and see me? Do you think I enjoy travelling 45-50min to work for free? She says she wants to see me, but that’s not good enough. Not anymore.

(Same with a former college acquaintance who used my oriental looks for her geisha drama project. She spent three hours (per session) painting my face, doing my hair and dressing me up. Every time, I walked to her place to let her borrow me. She gave me nothing in return. Not even a free meal or something. I remember leaving her place with nothing but a fleeting thank-you. Even her boyfriend said she should’ve been more appreciative.) You people suck.

Here’s what I said: I said I would come after work on Thursday evening. So, I’m ready to help out on a workday. I’m not telling anyone that I’m free on Friday. It’s my Friday. I can’t go to the party anyway, because I have work on Saturday.

I hardly ever ask for help. I tend to do everything on my own because I don’t want to hassle or owe anyone. I don’t know who is still genuinely ready to help me these days. Ok, apparently, friends are here to help. Did I miss something here? Why do I always feel like using people when I ask for help? I don’t like being indebted to anyone. Is that reason enough? Or perhaps I’ve never had a close friend?

Just so you know: I value friendship, but I’m not someone who entertains the bored. If that makes me a terrible friend, then so be it. I don’t find friendship as easy as you do.

Another useless blog post is written–a pathetic one.

I’ll do my best to stop. I don’t want you to go, shaking your heads. Please stay.

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