Charisma and apple pie

I’m so close to telling everyone.

It would take a couple of seconds, and I would stand here on my own, regretting those words. But I mean them, except for the little particles in my body. The guilt, the apathy and the irresponsibility result from wanting everyone happy–everyone but me. I don’t want to say what I will regret because I know they are good people, and they mean well. This confuses me so much because I’m beginning to lose track of myself and my actions.

As for some people, I can’t wait till they leave to start their new life. They have become so unbearably repetitive and blind that I can’t handle them. Whenever I try to help, they won’t listen. I may not always listen to you either, but I do take it personally if you don’t listen when I try to speak some sense, which doesn’t happen often. That’s the only reason why people listen to me; it has always been like that. It’s a miracle to certain people to hear me speak over five hundred words in one go. This doesn’t happen often.

I might have already mentioned it, but I’ve written more than I’ve spoken. There’s nothing more beautiful than someone charismatic who gets me to talk for hours. It means you make me feel secure.

There has to be some kind of chemistry. Unfortunately, this is rare, like some holiday infatuation. Once you’re back to normal, your holiday love recedes into the distance, especially if you keep in touch and watch how things fade.

Cigarettes taste terrible in the summer. And I did have a cigarette on the day my kidney started to ache. In fact, it was yesterday morning.

Before my ten-hour shift, I had a smoke. And in those ten hours, I had probably only drunk 1 litre of water. As soon as I came home, I stepped on my treadmill and ran for an hour. That was when the pain first occurred. I was dehydrated. Funny, some thought it was a slipped disk. I might as well quit those occasional smokes. I will neither smoke during summer nor daytime anymore.
I feel like an old lady. I wake up 3-4 times during the night. But that’s because every time I wake up, I feel dry and thirsty, so I drink a glass of water before sleep and wake up to pee.

Tartan patterns, I see glowing tartan patterns in the middle of the night when dreaming about nothing. It feels like a spider building a beautiful web in my room to trap me. As soon as I jump out of bed to switch on the light, it all disappears. Have I been in the dark for so long? Am I easy prey?

Dear Spider, I don’t value beauty that much. You need to allure me with apple pie.

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