Semi-narcissism

Thanks to this week in the library, I got to write four hours each day, which has improved my focus. I’m very impressed with the fact that I seem to recognize this terrible bird outside my house. It sings the same song outside my room in the morning and again in the afternoon. Then it would go elsewhere in the neighbourhood – what an attention-seeking slag. I always thought exotic birds were narcissists.

I just finished reading “Imperial Bedrooms,” which is the first book since 2007 to bring back my English fluency (yes, I was reading out loud). Or maybe Clay was speaking through me; I don’t know. All accents have gone, leaving me with a dull, dry Standard English with a German twang. A couple of words, such as “hungry,” “hurry,” or “curry,” are still pronounced with a Northern British accent. I can’t help it.

I think I’ve been rude to my friends. Those who take it seriously won’t ever get it. I don’t mind them leaving because we’re no good for each other. I’m not someone who calls you up when bored because I NEVER feel bored, and I don’t understand people who get bored. It says a lot about them and their lack of creativity. It’s sad. I mean, who are you? My ex? I have more important things to do than watching you act bored. Okay, there are days when you might feel indifferent and lack motivation – then go back to bed or go for a run!

Damn, when will this take an end?

I’m tired after four hours of writing in the library and reading “Imperial Bedrooms.” I also went for a 30-minute run.
And did I mention I’m blogging right now? (Sometimes I sound like I should be paid for all the work I do, I know.)

Certain people don’t know, and I have no clue how to explain it to them without making them feel neglected. I hate feeling guilty, not just towards my friends but also myself. I can’t just say, “Please, understand me, please understand, I can’t explain.”

My mobile phone will be off most of the time now, and the phone will remain unplugged for as long as I wish. I love you still, but I’ll get angry if you don’t grant me space. However, I know you care, and I know you’d support me as I support you.

Oh God, sometimes I sound patronizing, and I don’t mean to! You don’t have to forgive me, take it as it is, or forget it.

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