Perceptions and presentiments

This is, by far, one of the prettiest summers/autumns I’ve experienced. The refreshing chills and smells have kept my head clear somewhat, although I see by the twitch in your eyebrow that you disagree. It’s natural to disagree with how one perceives the weather. Not only the weather.

People often accuse me of painting a dark shade on everything. And it would never occur to them that it looks pretty and makes other people smile.

So many accusations lately–I shall seal my lips and blend in. It saves some useless explanations.

The truth is, I’m tired. But it’s not the time to sleep.

There is no such thing as empathy or comprehension of the same kind. Even a mutual feeling is not at the same wavelength (but you may believe so). There is only a similarity, just like we don’t perceive the beauty of love the same way. This is supposed to make things more interesting. Hm.

It may be not easy to view things from all angles and not just rely on your own, and once you understand your friend’s point of view, you feel that you have broadened your mindset. It feels good.

I love sunshine, even when it blinds my mind and makes me sleepy. However, I miss my nocturnal activities, and so does my brain. That’s when everything’s at its place, waiting to be utilized for creative purposes. I can then live out my obsessions, line up strings of thoughts and ideas that will set my mind free or distract me from everything unpleasant. It’s also the time when my libido level rises, but I apply sublimation, so it becomes a sexy piece of fiction.

Recently I’ve been occupied with presentiments, but not of the good kind. I will not elaborate. If I have to apply Jung’s concept of emotional conflict concerning the unconscious, I feel like I have to polarize my sentiments and support only one of the extremes rather than both at the same time. I don’t know which one I’d go for.

I’m plagued by uncertainty and indecision; it’s infuriating me, but they are all self-inflicted. It’s the same dilemma as Nemo’s in “Mr. Nobody,” except that I can’t go into the future to check which extreme will eventually … it doesn’t matter now. You evaluate yourself as you go.

I don’t want to feel presentiments. They come in a blur, along with a bad taste in my mouth. And whenever I filter them into a piece of fiction, I feel released.

Why do you think I’m so calm? On other days, I burst but only when you’re not looking.

Today I made someone cry by saying nothing. It was very unexpected.

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