Wake up, P.

This is the first time in a year that I got ill again. A cold that usually lasts for a couple of hours has extended to several days. I fall asleep quickly, but I would wake up three to four times in the middle of the night for no particular reason. It’s as if my body’s telling me to wake up from a dream. The recent dreams aren’t special, I don’t remember details, but I am in unfamiliar places.

My head has been a mess, too, lately, and only music helps me numb it. And Californication. Though, I can’t sit in a quiet corner with a book without picturing other events that have been taking place in my life. I have so many questions that I don’t want to ask. So many answers I want to give; what’s the point? There is no one. Here.

There never was anyone in the first place. Therefore, I can go anywhere I want. It will be a change of scenery, and there’ll be something new to learn. And maybe make friends that are ready to open up fully. On the very first day. No games. No secrets. Though, I’ve lost interest in trusting.

How tired I am of indecisive hearts that will always lie to protect themselves. Fucking hearts. In the last six years, it’s been about nothing but hearts. Soon I will let go; I hope…of all the insincere ones.

Why I always pick them, I don’t know.

Well, I do, but it’s not important to elaborate. Sometimes you believe you can change people or convince them of something, but you can’t.

As long as she hasn’t let go, I can’t, either. I owe her this one favour. And I happen to keep promises.

Do I sometimes talk like I’m schizophrenic? If you don’t know whom I’m talking about, please don’t have preconceived ideas. After all, I don’t share everything.

I have things to do in the next couple of months: One of them is to rewatch Donnie Darko, which I did the other day. And the same night, I dreamed of travelling back in time, but I don’t remember how I’d entered the portal. Never do we know how exactly Donnie did it.

I have also filled out the application form for the summer.

I wish I cared more. I wish I were more there. I was criticised for not having any common sense, not taking the initiative. Very unkind words when people don’t know me. I can sink ships if I wanted to, have your existence dissipate into nothing, meaning your presence is no longer applicable to life.

If I have nudged you towards the exit, then that’s probably it. I do not go back. In all honesty, I have been asleep for too long.

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