Never marry for love

Cowtown autumn 6

The relationship lasted for seven years. She used to be a very dominant woman who got jealous whenever he chose his friends over her. It’s not clear to me how it fell apart in the end because I never asked, and I probably never will. Instead, I fill my head with possible familiar events because she and I are a lot alike–so much that we don’t get on yet we’re inseparable.

This is one of the few instances of my life where I don’t pursue the truth. If there is a way for me ever to retrace the root of my personality, I will, but if only I weren’t so scared. She used to be so pretty, so I’m not surprised that her beauty had tangled him throughout the relationship. I wonder whether they had intended to spend the rest of their lives together? If not, I wouldn’t exist, and I would have never been your friend. Just the thought of this makes me dizzy, but at the same time, I wonder how happy she would have been if she had followed her path. If she could’ve been happy, I would’ve given everything so she could go back in time.

Would she have immersed herself in the career of her dreams and become a beautiful stewardess, or would she have become a pianist? Once, she told me that she used to pretend to play the piano at the dinner table.

Shortly after her relationship ended, her sister’s friend introduced her to someone from the other side of the world. That special someone was head over heels in love with her from the moment he saw her. I don’t know whether she’d felt the same way or whether she just loved the attention. It was like Prince Charming had entered a godforsaken town and found the love of his life. As for the pretty girl, you don’t know how she felt. She said yes when he proposed to her, and so she left her hometown for good. There was no series of expectations from her side. She merely adjusted her dreams to what he could offer her as if her dreams no longer mattered. What mattered was that she had stability and someone that loved her. What mattered was the thought of not being alone.

In a Tom Waits song, he sings, “Never marry for love.”

Did she leave to get over her former love?

In retrospect, I feel like she and I are one and that I’m repeating the past for her. It feels like I’m about to leap off the roof, and these are my last thoughts. But I’m in the present living my own life, and yet these reruns scare me. Am I to fix the past by becoming someone else? But what if I’m exactly like her?

Is being loved enough?



by P-chan (c) 2013

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