Retrovertigo

Craving a Scotch, he enters O’Malley’s bar late at night. Walking past the sign saying, “Sorrow can swim,” he attempts to build a descending surface above the water by setting an image of the sky crashing down. There are people in the world whose imaginations are so strong they could kill. But going insane is not the best response to reality.

The barkeeper approaches him with a sympathetic smile. The bar smells like a mixture of washing up liquid and stale sticky beer. Ever since smoking was banned indoors, the walls and floors reek of post-party hours. Suddenly he feels older than he really is.

“Evening, Sam. Same old?”

Sam nods.

“What’s up?”

“She wants me to fuck her in the arse; that’s up.”

The barkeeper laughs as he prepares Sam’s drink.

“Taking a woman up the arse has various meanings; you know that, right?”

Sam’s eyes glow in curiosity. No matter if sacred or profane, his wife Lorraine no longer knows the difference, not to mention her modesty over which she used to be so protective. Ever since she picked up a gay man’s erotic book, she has transformed into a sodomy obsessed little woman. She has a wild desire to have her husband’s 5’5 inch erect penis up her anus. And every time, he refuses. Sometimes her fingertips would brush along his curvy bum cheeks and even run between them.

“They envy homosexuals such as Wilde or Ginsberg,” the barkeeper says.

“Why? Cos they’re poets?”

“No,” he says and serves the Scotch.

At this moment, a small group of middle-aged ladies enter the pub with high pitched laughs. One of them is Lorraine’s gynecologist Dr. Fitton. A few days ago, she called him to ask if everything was ok with Lorraine, as she had asked Dr. Fitton to stroke her anus with the speculum because she felt a tickle. So he asked Dr. Fitton whether she had done it or not, but she refused to reply. Instead, she indicated that his young wife was keen on some adventurous approaches. He has seen a vaginal speculum once, and it’s no instrument one would want up his arse. He instantly downed the glass of Scotch and stares at the barkeeper.

“I understand,” Sam says, “men don’t need extra toys.”

 

The night seems endless. Never in his life has he walked that slowly – the ground isn’t as solid as before; it’s like walking on soft soil.

On the way home, he tries to remember what he read about Freud many years ago. She has always adored her father since she was little; this much he knows. However, this doesn’t justify the assumption that every little girl envies her father’s penis.

At home, he finds Lorraine naked and asleep to some gay soft porn on TV. On his bedside is a purple 5’2 inch vibrator, which looks unused. It’s dry. He slowly walks around the bed, observing the sweet curve of her body.

In the movie, the two male actors are standing on the stairs, looking for a good position to facilitate penetration. While the main guy pushes hard, he also grabs his partner’s firmly erect penis and begins to rub it. While staring at his wife’s slender body, male moans and heavy sighs fill the bedroom. She resembles an expensive porcelain vase that he would like to break. Or, to put it more subtly, she reminds him of a high-class Japanese maiko selling her virginity to a nobleman. He remembers robbing her virginity about fifteen years ago. And he remembers the sound of her uncontrollable sobs echoing in the room after he’d come. But he never asked her why she was crying. The sex scene from 15 years ago keeps flashing before his eyes – he still sees the tears rolling down her cheek. Apparently, virgin girls tend to set up a series of expectations before their first time. Maybe he didn’t fulfill them, and all her dreams had shattered into pieces that day. He hadn’t touched her for at least a year after that, not to mention any further virgins with expectations. Not even Kerouac would understand why after deflowering Lorraine, he became a short-term sex addict who had to fuck women so hard until they bled. The more sensitive their cervices, the harder he pushed.

The gay actors have slowed down, and all he hears is heavy breathing. They take this little moment to stroke each other’s bodies and lick off each other’s sweat.

Both night lamps are set to dim. He approaches his wife’s side.

She didn’t cry in pain.

Glancing at the vibrator he had bought her before he went on a business trip, he realises that it’s the first time she has removed it from the package.

While unbuttoning his jeans, she begins to move a fraction toward his side of the bed – her eyes still closed. Her hand softly reaches out for his pillow.

He climbs onto the bed, which feels softer than usual. Lorraine stirs and looks at him. Before she has the chance to throw a glimpse at his erect penis, he grabs her by the hips and turns her to a tabletop position.

The two actors have now swapped positions; one is more impatient than the other, begging for immediate penetration.

Sam spits into his hand and wipes his saliva deep between his wife’s bum cheeks, and then he spits a second time to lubricate his penis. Compared to him, she is breathing heavily already.

After a few careful pushes, he enters her anus. Her scream is in harmony with the actor. Both of their lustful moans get louder as the thrusting gains speed.

Sam observes how his wife reaches out for the vibrator, which she inserts into her vagina. At this de-familiarizing sight, he slows down – feeling the tightness around his penis. He looks at the TV and then at his wife.

All sound has gone. A sense of vertigo surrounds his head, removing him from his own orbit of sanity. While feeding her temptations, he submits all his attention to the void in which he can only hear his own inconsistent breathing.

He grabs her tightly by the back of her neck and begins to push as hard as he can all the way to the end.

She didn’t cry in pain.

It’s over.

The room seems brighter than before, making him feel exposed.

The movie has long ended.

The room smells like a mixture of cum and arse. If candles were allowed in the flat, he would’ve lit some aromatic ones beforehand.

All he hears is his wife sobbing uncontrollably while holding the vibrator covered in her cum.

 

 

by P-chan (c) 2014

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